As I stand on the edge of the busiest part of my year, I
take a deep breath and try to envision what brought me to this moment. So many
things hit me that I feel like I might fall right off the cliffs of time and
plummet into the pit of eternity never to be seen again.
Usually, I hold back, keeping everything inside nice and
tidy. I try to understand the moment I’m
in, but today, the landscape of my life is too vast and overwhelming, rolling
out in front of me all the way to the
event horizon. I blink crystalline tears
from my eyes and peer over the edge where before there would have been nothing
but the black inky abyss of the unknown.
This is the moment when I would normally run from the edge of the
darkness because the unknown is too terrifying for a mind like mine. I fill the black hole with my own thoughts of
terror and tragedy, sure that every single horrific vision is in my immediate future,
and then I pull the hood over my head and disappear.
Not this time.
As the events of the past year fly through my mind’s eye
with lightning speed, they flood my overfilled heart and pour right into the
cavernous unknown future where they explode, filling all that exists around me
with light. Instead of envisioning
nuclear war and watching terrorists chop off the heads of my children, I see
color…beautiful dancing musical color brighter and filled with more depth than
the most magnificent Aurora Borealis ever witnessed by eyes before. Fear has turned to love and uneasiness has
become courage.
I have no idea what is behind the magnificent veil of light
before me. I’m sure there will be good
and bad, success and failure because that is the process of life. This time around, I also feel a complete
sense of fulfillment. Don’t get me
wrong, I don’t feel like I’ve completed my journey, not by a long shot. Instead, I feel like I am finally ready for
what is to come even if it is terrifying.
I am a much more complete person, even if I’m held together only by love
and butterfly wings. I’m no longer afraid
of setting goals out of fear that I will fail.
Instead, I’m content to set goals and work towards them and be alright
with the outcome, even if it’s not what I thought it should be.
I feel as if I've settled into my own soul.
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