The road so far.....from the ashes

Today while I was in a tear filled message conference with someone very, very close to me, I was reminded once again to turn around and look at the road I've travelled.  I know it's there, I talk about it a lot, but sometimes you need to really take a moment and look at it.

Not everyone in the world has lived the life I've lived.  I know that.  The first time I told my story, I knew that, and it's what made it so hard to let those words tumble over trembling lips to first a few people, then a few dozen, then a few hundred, and on and on.  I was never comfortable in my skin when I began to tell my story because it felt like I was lifting up the clean carpet in my home to reveal a silage pit hidden beneath filled with rot and putrid horror.

Now that I am comfortable telling my story, I sometimes forget the raw emotion that comes along with it.  I'm not numb, don't get me wrong.  I still feel it every day, but I'm not afraid.  Telling my story has birthed more survivors from the bondage of their victim chains than I even can begin to fathom.  No, now I tell my story from the stance of a warrior on a crusade.

I consider myself a Phoenix.  I lived one life before.  The dark and empty life of a victim suffocated of hope, peace, or freedom, just waiting for it to be over.  Everything I saw from those eyes was hurt, fear, and ugliness.  I lived in that ugliness for so long that even after I was free of it, I was still hunted and hurt again.  It was all I knew because it started before I had memories.  From the dark corners of my bedroom to the dark corners of the streets, everywhere I went was filled with dark corners, and in all of those corners was another more horrific monster.  I was led with promises of safety into some of the worst experiences you can imagine, and barely survived.  It was in those last moments when I was told where my body would lie rotting and never found that something happened.  I can't explain it other than God was not letting me die on that day.  As I rushed back into the world of the living, I embraced it with everything I had, burned that old life down, and was reborn.

I was reborn a survivor.  Since that day 11 years ago, I have only glanced back in the rear view mirror with my foot on the pedal as I continued on my journey, afraid that if I slowed down, the monsters would catch up.  It took me a few more years to open up about my life, and when I did, it was as if Niagra Falls washed over me.  Every time I told it, my armor got stronger.  Every time someone approached me, and in that tiniest voice said, "Thank you.  You just told my story" my fire burned brighter.  Every tear soaked meeting and impossible moment pushed me beyond my Phoenix birth.

They led me to write a series of books for Damsel in Defense called SAFE (Sharing Awareness for Family Empowerment) Hearts where I can go right to the source and help break cycles before they even continue.  Together with Damsel in Defense, we have the opportunity to empower an entire generation to shine light in the dark corners of the world.

They have led me to work with amazing organizations such as OAASIS (Oregon Abuse Advocates and Survivors in Service) where I can come together with other warriors to create change in how the world views not only child sex abuse, but the soil in which it takes root and begins to grow.

They have led me to the involvement in the RAINN (Rape and Incest National Network) Speakers Bureau where I have had the opportunity to speak and be published.

They have led me to put my story into words in a book that will be done this year so that others who have visited the dark places I have been can find solace in the fact that they are not alone, that we are better together, and that there is light in their futures.

In the next few weeks, I am meeting with program managers and founders of organizations I would never have dreamed that I would be sitting down and having coffee with.

With all that said, still, these words stopped me in my tracks tonight:

"And as if you need any more qualifying around the word survivor, now you have cancer survivor in there as well.  You are more than a Phoenix."

I never thought that there was more than being a Phoenix, but after some time spent in deep contemplation, the act of being reborn was the moment I became a Phoenix.  The moment when my light shone bright and I refused to have darkness around me ever again.  Now I carry that torch into my fight.  I am a warrior of light, a defender of the helpless, and a freaking force of nature.  I am a catagory 5 hurricane and I'm just getting started.  The more I set free from the bondage of shame, the , the more we grow in strength.  I am a Colonel building an army, but not of darkness, of light.  Together we are a supernova.

This is the road I've traveled.  Sex abuse, sexual assault, abduction, domestic violence, child exploitation...those are all in the rearview mirror on that road.  Sometimes you have to stop, get out of the car, and take note of the road so far.  Ahead of me is darkness.  So much darkness.  I have no idea where this road leads, but I'm not afraid of it anymore.  I will battle whatever comes to free them all.

Wonder Woman Wednesday-1000 Mile Walk

Survivor is a strong word.  It means you faced trauma and made it through.  Trauma either sucks the life from you and those around you, or it fills you with hope that one day we may live in a trauma free world, and that hope pours from you, spilling into the world.

Paulette McKenzie Leaphart is a survivor.  As a young girl, abuse nearly killed her.  She could have let it fill her with darkness, but instead she lifted her eyes to God and made a deal that if he would see her through the darkness, she would make a difference in the lives of children.  Paulette was filled with hope.

Her hope spilled out into the world around her, and she did grow up to make a difference in the lives of children.

Then, cancer nearly took her from them.  Paulette is a fighter, and she wasn’t about to let cancer have the last word.  Through the battle because of the cost of healthcare, she lost everything, including her home and transportation.  Still, through it all, she was filled with hope that she could make a difference.

It was hope that led her to take the first step in her 1000 mile walk to speak to congress with nothing but a few things, a stroller, and her 8-year-old daughter.  Paulette is on a mission to find a cure for cancer, and she’s walking topless in an effort to rally the troops and show everyone that cancer will not define her.  Her actions will define her.

On June 27^th, she will show the world what it means to be a hero.  No matter how hard the road is, she still sings God’s praises and keeps a positive attitude, posting on Facebook, “Singing… I don’t feel no ways tired… NOOOOOO BODY TOLD me, the roads would be easy!!!!  And I don’t believe HE brought me this far to leave me!”

It takes a strong woman to be featured as a Wonder Woman Wednesday recipient, and Paulette blows strength out of the water.  I am honored to tell just a small piece of her story in hopes that it will amplify her strength. 

Please follow her hashtag #1000milewalk and Show her some love, and follow her journey on Facebook.  If you’re in her path, get out there and show your support.

  

Wonder Woman Wednesday-The first Phoenix of 2016

When you think of sex trafficking, what do you envision?  For most it’s a kidnapped girl trapped in a dog crate and only let out for paying customers.  Although that does happen, most of the time it’s not like that. 

Let me tell you the story of a girl from Portland, Oregon named Jeri Williams.  A member of the Klamath tribe, she married at 19, she found herself on the other side of the country trying to raise four children with an abusive husband.  At the urging of a friend fro

m Portland, she left that situation.  She and moved back to the West Coast to live with that friend, and that’s where the real nightmare began.

You see, this friend was no friend at all.  She was a former sex worker whose brother was a leader for the local Crips set.  This friend, who was pregnant, was being paid in crack cocaine to recruit women into prostitution. 

Jeri Williams

Jeri tells this horrendous account, “[The gang members would] pick up young girls to recruit downtown in Pioneer Square, bring them back to my apartment and pull trains on them on my couch.” I stopped her for clarification. “Trains. Gang rape them. You know, one after the other. And then they would say, ‘you’re a whore, you need to go out and walk the streets or we’ll tell your mom. Or if you get arrested, you know, it won’t be our fault, it’ll be your fault ‘cause you hung out with us.”

Jeri’s friend who urged her to move away from her husband for safety tricked her.  She ended up on the streets turning tricks while her ‘friend’ babysat her children and allegedly used them as bait to draw in other young women.

Jeri was kept in a locked room by her pimp, who often times let his friends in to rape her.  She was only let out from 8pm to 6am to work.  She had to bring back at least $300 each night, which she estimates to be about 15 dates.  Fifteen different men every single night.  

She finally got her chance to break free when a john tried robbing her and stabbed her in the back and arm.  She fought for her life and her money and when she brought it “home” her pimp sent her back out on the streets the next day to 'get back in the saddle'.  Shortly after, he was arrested for something.  Now she had help from the authorities to get out, but it was not easy. 

On her journey towards healing, she attended Portland Community College to get her degree to become an alcohol and drug counselor, and she also fell back into the pattern of dating abusive men and drug dealers.  During one night, the police kicked down her door and found Uzis and 27 grams of crack cocaine on the table.  Jeri received a felony conviction for the dealings of her boyfriend and her children were placed in foster care.  When she got out of jail, she was homeless for a while before moving into the West Woman’s Shelter for just over a year.   This is where she burned down her former self and emerged as a phoenix.

She stared working as a housekeeper at a Portland Red Lion Inn and was introduced to local unions and community organizing.  She co-founded the Urban Workers Union which unionized parking-lot attendants in 2001.  She became the executive director of the Environmental Justice Action group and helped defeat the expansion of I-5 that runs through low income communities in Portland.  The Governor appointed her to two task forces that worked on transportation and trade issues. 

In 2006, she won the Alston Bannerman Fellowship Award for activists of color and was offered a job with the Diversity Civic Leadership Program that teaches civic engagement to communities of color and immigrant-refugee communities.

Through all of this, her story began to emerge.  She began speaking about it to church groups because she realized, just as all survivors do, healed hearts heal hearts.  She has worked actively to help bring a human face to the problem of sex trafficking, and even has testified before Congress.  She is now a grandmother and activist, and the ripples she makes in the world create change. 

Because of her unfailing bravery to face her struggle, Jeri is the first woman featured on Wonder Woman Wednesday for 2016.  Her story is proof that you aren't the sum of the things you've done or the things that have been done to you.  There is light after the darkness.  

January is National Human Trafficking Awareness month.  Learn how you can help by contacting sunshine@yourdamseldiva.com.

Be bold.

xoxo

The Stun Gun Girl

Book Review-Romancing Your Better Half

Rick Johnson has done it again in this amazing book about intimacy.  Intimacy is one of those all encompassing words that means more than just sex or communication.

The most important part of this book for me is that he touches on intimacy as a survivor without making you feel like there is something incredibly wrong with you.  That is huge for me because no one was ever there to tell me that the feelings I was feeling were valid.  No one was there to tell my spouse that you have to approach a survivor a lot differently.  The books about it still made me feel like everything was so dark and terrible.

You can have a wonderful intimate relationship with your spouse as a survivor.  If it's a struggle for you, please read this book and have your spouse read it as well.  It's an important part of a successful relationship after trauma.

You can find my full review at Portland Parenting Examiner.

Wonder Woman Wednesday-Secondary survivors

Wonder Woman Wednesday has been, up until today, used to feature strong women who have survived really, really hard things and used those things to help spread awareness of violence against women.  All of the Wonder Women of the past who have healed enough to finally tell their stories didn't wake up one day and go, “Hmm.. it’s Tuesday, I think I’m going to pour out my life today.” 

The progression to tell your story is usually as slow as honey in a blizzard.  It starts with one thought or motion, which grows into several thoughts and motions.  None of us can tell our story without the people who support us, hold our hand along the way, hand us tissues, and basically allow us to be blubbering snot factories and not treating us like we have Ebola.

All of us who have found the courage to stand up and tell our stories did not do so without being held up by an indestructible foundation made up of people who love us.  Those people aren't just unaffected super strong little versions of He-Man and She-Ra.  They have been hurt.  They have been affected.  They have held us, cried with us, prayed for us, been hurt by us, had to relearn how to act around us, and had to make their own decision, asking themselves if it is healthy for them to be the people we need them to be.

Being a secondary survivor is not an easy thing.  They may not have survived the actual moments of our lives, but they have had to survive us surviving the memory of those moments, which can be very traumatizing.

They are not all women, many of them are men who have made the choice to learn how to support us and be an advocate for our platform of awareness. 

The video I am sharing with you today is one secondary survivor, and he is a man.  If you are a survivor, you have to recognize the secondary survivors in your life and know that you could not be a Wonder Woman without them.

Kevin, I hope you are honored to be the first man to receive the Wonder Woman Wednesday feature.  All of the women you have helped become stronger, and all of the men you have educated make you a very valuable and important asset to everything we do to spread awareness.

Thank you for your dedication.

If you or someone you know has a story of survival, please email sunshine@YourDamselDiva.com.

After the Gasp-a work in progress

As I read through what I have finished of the story of my life so far, I am beginning to feel more comfortable in my own skin, even though things I'm revealing are very scary.  Today as I read the introduction, an overwhelming sense of peace came over me.

I have been fighting against writing this book since it became clear that I was supposed to do it.  You can ask anyone who has nudged, supported, encouraged me, and flat out pushed me along the way to not give up.  In my eyes, I kept wondering what the heck it was that they saw in me that would give them the idea to put energy into convincing me to write this book.

I'm starting to see it.  It's becoming clear, and I don't feel like I'm poking my brain with a sharp stick anymore when I think about completing it.  For the longest time, I would sit down to work on it, look around, and notice....well look at that.  I haven't scrubbed the baseboards of the kitchen for a long time.  I better do that first.

Because it was while reading over the introduction that I became freed from the bondage of letting my life be a tool to help others, I am going to share it with you today.

After the Gasp-The Death of Shame

Introduction

There comes an unfailing moment every opportunity I have to tell the story of my life when time stands still.  It always comes at the same point in my story when I begin speaking about the 12th year of my life.  Gravity pulls my body heavily as if the earth is trying to absorb me through osmosis, and everything starts grinding to a painful halt.  I know the sentence is coming.  I lived it.  I wrote it in my speech.  I have said it before, but its weight is never less.  Frantically, I try to ignore the fact that it’s coming, but no matter what I do, it happens.  In one terrible ragged breath, the moment arrives.  Bright burning lights shine down making me overly aware of the space I fill.  I can feel it pressing in on me like I’m a tin can sinking to the bottom of the ocean.  Suddenly the crowd disappears into blinding blackness.  I want to see them.  I want to plead with them not to let me go on.  I want them to come pull me off the stage and tell me, “It’s okay, you don’t have to do this, if it’s too hard, we understand.”  They never do.

The glittering microphone sits heavily in my hand.  I wonder if everyone can see how much it trembles, because in my eyes, it looks like I’m in the uncontrollable end stages of Parkinson’s disease.  I breathe the heat from the lights in and it scrapes all the way down my throat and burns through my soul.  Then I say it, the sentence that changes everything.  The gasp from the crowd is so large that it seems as though all of the air has been sucked from my lungs and into theirs.  I want to run and hide, to be invisible.  Suddenly I know what Quasimodo felt like when the crowd at the Festival of Fools realized he wasn't in costume, but instead a big ugly deformed monster in their eyes.  Thoughts of escape flood my mind at warp speed, and then it hits me.  It’s not the air that has been sucked from my lungs, but pain of what I had to endure being pulled from my body.  Everything that happens before the gasp and much that happens after is very deeply raw.  I feel God nudging me forward, reminding me that I would be no better than the people who inflicted pain on me if I didn't give the crowd the gift of knowing there is life after the gasp.

If you only knew that you aren't alone

Tonight as I was sifting through piles and piles of scribbled notes and research for my book, I found a post it note that stopped me in my tracks.  Through the process of this whole crazy roller coaster ride of life I happen to be strapped in against my will, I have to keep remembering that this isn't for me.  This is for you.

The times I stare at blank sheets of paper and literally have arguments with the pen about putting the words down, the times I want to run and hide in the closet, and the times I don't think I can open that door again are for you, because you are still in the dark.

If you're hurting, or terrified, or thinking of hurting yourself, you're not alone.  There are so many people trapped in the darkness, hiding under blankets of shame, afraid of being found out, and terrified to face themselves in the mirror.  It's for you that life that was once buried deep under the ground encased in concrete that was encased in steel and covered with land mines behind fences that grew taller and thicker for miles and miles is now unearthed and on display.

In my endless stack of research and scribbles, there are endless emails from you.  I'm scared.  I'm terrified.  I'm lost.  I can't do this.  They all say the same thing:  Help me.

So I go on, and I will continue, and this book will be completed, and God will do with it what He sees fit to do, but until then, I want you to know that I am your biggest cheerleader.  I will carry this light and shine it into the darkness until you see me, and through that, I only hope you see yourself for what you really are.

On the crisp little yellow sticky note were the words that I scribbled in between two thoughts so I wouldn't forget: So many of you out there are hiding and hurting because of the shame you feel.  If you only knew that you aren't alone, and how beautiful and strong you are, imagine what you could accomplish!

Your travels are not over, and your work is far from done.  Your pain will remain as long as you hide from what caused it.  There is healing here.

Wonder Woman Wednesday-Stretch out your hand

There comes a time in your journey when you have to stop, turn around, and look at the impact your life has had on the world.  When I used to look back, I would see the devastation of an F-5 tornado a mile wide that would trail off as far as you could see from outer space.  Now when I look back, I see art.  I see poetry and beauty, ice and fire, crashing waves on the wings of butterflies, and through even the worst misery of my darkest moments, I see a mighty oak that stretches into the night sky as far as the eye can see.

The women I have chosen for today’s Wonder Woman Wednesday are no strangers to pain and sorrow.  They have experienced it, seen their loved ones experience it, watched it, and heard about it every single day.  It would be so easy for them to just run away and hide from it, to deny it’s very existence, but instead they face it head on hand-in-hand because they can see the beauty in the darkness as well.  When they turn around, I’m sure they could choose to see a million paths of a million tornadoes just pressing down on them with nowhere to turn.  The devastation they hear about and see on a regular basis would send even the strongest person running to the hills, yet there they stand together, unfaltering, just like the mighty oak they have planted in my path.

These women are wise beyond even their own knowledge and strong beyond their own bravery, and they might not even see it themselves, but I have seen it.  Even trembling with sorrow, they continue to reach down and say, “Stretch out your hand, there is healing here.” 

Stretch out your hand. 

It seems so simple, but until you've tried to rescue a victim from the deep waters of despair you have no idea the peril it can cause as they pull your heart under with them like a drowning victim in the middle of the ocean.  Yet they continue on.

Stretch out your hand.

It began with a friendship which turned into an idea that led them to the place where they are today.  What they once thought was a business venture has become a mission encompassing both joy and hardship, life and death, faith and healing….the list could go on and on forever as you dive into the depth of their being.

Still, they ask you to stretch out your hand.  There is healing here.  There is safety here.  You can leave your fear behind, shed the very skin of your old self, and be reborn anew.  All you have to do is stretch out your hand.  They will take it.  Every time.  Not only will they take it and pull you to a new level of being, but they will show you that we have all had to be pulled from the fire.  Even them.  We've all had to be pulled from the darkness and the shame, but in order to do that, we've had to do one thing.

Stretch out our hands.

The two women I bring before you on this night of revival are two of the most hard working, genuine, real women I have ever had the honor of sharing the same space with.  They have shown me more about myself than I thought I could ever possibly be there.   They showed me that I was strong and brave and shameless and filled with grace unlike the poison filled slug I used to think I was.  They proved to me that I am worthy of a life worth living, and I promise you that if you are ever in their presence, you will see that you have a live worth living to the fullest of the word full, but first, you have to stretch out your hand.

Tonight we celebrate Bethany Hughes and Mindy Lin, the Co-Founders of Damsel in Defense.  I have watched them take on the hardest mission, go to the hardest places, hear the hardest stories, and do the hardest things to build strong women.  I have watched them wretch with sorrow, swallow it down, and turn around and make it into something beautiful, and I have watched them do it with passion, with grace, and with dignity.

Tonight I ask you, are you ready to stretch out your hand?  Are you ready to see the mission behind this great company and let it reach deep into your soul where it will guide you to a place where you can see your true worth?  What do you want to see when you turn around and take stock of the path you've left behind?  Do you want to see a path of destruction, or do you want to see a mighty oak? 

Stretch out your hand.  There is healing here.  I am proof of the strength in these women.  I am a testament to their character.  When I see them, I see sisters, warriors, teachers, and great leaders.  I see Wonder Women.  

 If you are ready to share your story and help us in #fightingback against abuse towards women, email sunshine@yourdamseldiva.com. 

From fear to elation at the journey ahead

As I stand on the edge of the busiest part of my year, I take a deep breath and try to envision what brought me to this moment. So many things hit me that I feel like I might fall right off the cliffs of time and plummet into the pit of eternity never to be seen again.

Usually, I hold back, keeping everything inside nice and tidy.  I try to understand the moment I’m in, but today, the landscape of my life is too vast and overwhelming, rolling out in front of me all the way to  the event horizon.  I blink crystalline tears from my eyes and peer over the edge where before there would have been nothing but the black inky abyss of the unknown.  This is the moment when I would normally run from the edge of the darkness because the unknown is too terrifying for a mind like mine.  I fill the black hole with my own thoughts of terror and tragedy, sure that every single horrific vision is in my immediate future, and then I pull the hood over my head and disappear. 

Not this time.

As the events of the past year fly through my mind’s eye with lightning speed, they flood my overfilled heart and pour right into the cavernous unknown future where they explode, filling all that exists around me with light.  Instead of envisioning nuclear war and watching terrorists chop off the heads of my children, I see color…beautiful dancing musical color brighter and filled with more depth than the most magnificent Aurora Borealis ever witnessed by eyes before.  Fear has turned to love and uneasiness has become courage.

I have no idea what is behind the magnificent veil of light before me.  I’m sure there will be good and bad, success and failure because that is the process of life.  This time around, I also feel a complete sense of fulfillment.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel like I’ve completed my journey, not by a long shot.  Instead, I feel like I am finally ready for what is to come even if it is terrifying.  I am a much more complete person, even if I’m held together only by love and butterfly wings.  I’m no longer afraid of setting goals out of fear that I will fail.  Instead, I’m content to set goals and work towards them and be alright with the outcome, even if it’s not what I thought it should be. 

I feel as if I've settled into my own soul.

Wonder Woman Wednesday-When the victim becomes the attacker

This week's Wonder Woman Wednesday story threw me off guard.  As an educator who helps women lead safe and appropriate lives, I am always quick to push against victim blaming and giving women stronger rights.  What if that woman in a moment of self defense finds that she has no rights?  What happens to the victims when they become accused of the attack?  What can we do to help?  How do I not know this is happening in my own home state?

Delphine Criscenzo was just that.  A woman who fought for her life and the life of her children and in return, went to prison for more than a decade.  Her story will inspire you to take action, and during Domestic Violence Awareness Month, we should all be taking action.

Delphine Criscenzo, your tragedy and bravery is outstanding, and you are leading a fight for change that will save others in the future.





 If you are ready to share your story and help us in #fightingback against abuse towards women, email sunshine@yourdamseldiva.com.

Wonder Woman Wednesday-The warrior

Once upon a time there was a beautiful little girl born to a farm family.  The middle of five sisters, she grew up working hard every day to help keep the farm going.  She was a bright little girl that grew into a young lady so intelligent that she graduated from high school a year early, even though women did not usually graduate early in the 70’s. 

She dreamed of going to college but settled for a great job at the local Tupperware factory.  There she met the man of her dreams.  He swept her off of her feet from the first moment.  He looked like a movie star, and was a military man, so he was sure to get her out of the small life she saw herself living. 

It wasn't long before they married and she felt the fullness of a child in her belly.  Soon after, they got the word that he was to deploy to Vietnam.  He refused to go and was locked up for being a deserter.  Devastated at the thought of raising a child alone with a husband in prison, despair began to take its hold.  Just before the child was born, all deserters were freed from prison and given dishonorable discharges.

She found herself having to work hard to keep her family afloat.  He never went back to work and drowned his misery in drugs.  It wasn't easy to spot at first, because everyone seemed to be using drugs in the 70’s, but by the time most other people were growing up and finding careers in the 80’s, it became apparent that there was a problem.

Several times she would come home from another long day at work to find everything of value gone from the house because a drug dealer he owed money to came to take everything he could sell to get his money back.  Many times they had to hide the car from being repossessed because when it came time to make the payment, the money had gone to his drug habit. 

Two more children were born, and things just got harder.  He became more and more paranoid and abusive, and she had to work harder and harder to support her children, pay the bills, and recoup from the drug binges he was constantly on. 

Still, she put on a smile for her children and never showed that she was always one step away from breaking.  Things were hard.  There was never enough money.  Many times they had to steal toilet paper from public bathrooms by stuffing purses full, or had to carry groceries over a mile home from the grocery store.  One summer, they were homeless, and instead of letting her children feel any uncertainty, she slapped on a smile and said, “We’re going camping!”

Her children knew about the problem with drugs, but she always protected them from the fear of not having food or a home.  She always found a way, no matter how hard she had to work for it. 

Everything fell apart in one year.  Her oldest daughter started running away and getting into a lot of trouble.  She spent countless nights up crying and begging God to keep her daughter safe.  After things went too far, her daughter had to be sent away and it came out that the man she once considered to be the man of her dreams had been molesting her.  She ended her marriage and entered the worst season of despair in her life.  Her oldest child was hundreds of miles away and one of her sons became very ill. 

Still, she kept her tears to her alone time in the darkness of the night and never let on that she was terrified to carry on.  She carried the largest burden of guilt that sometimes she was sure would swallow her whole, but she kept on. 

Many women who find out that their husbands abused their children enter into such a denial that they end up victim blaming their children, pushing them away and causing them to fall deeper into the chasm of hopelessness.  There are several reasons this happens, they can’t believe that they wouldn't know it happened, or maybe they feel that an abuse accusation is a direct reflection on them.  There are countless blogs created by women who are married to child molesters who justify the reasons they stay with their husbands.  Most of them stand on the biblical principal that once you’re married, you have to stay married, which is great when dealing with any issue that isn't illegal or immoral, but child abuse is both of those things.  The damage this does to a child when they are not protected and treated is unspeakably as horrible as the abuse they endured. 

This particular mother did not hesitate, even after more than a decade of marriage, she ended it the day…the second she learned about the abuse. 

Looking back from that moment, it would seem that her life was nothing but one tragedy after another.  The abuse, the affairs she learned about after she threw her husband out, wondering how many more children were hurt by him, and a million other things would definitely give her a get-out-of-life-free card, and no one would blame her, but she still carried on.

Things continued to be hard, and in some ways even got harder, but if she was nothing else in this entire universe, she was going to be the rock her children needed to anchor themselves to reality, and because of that, they grew into loving adults who push back the darkness of this world and help bring light to those who suffer. 

She gave up herself to become what they needed to heal…to survive, and she did it fearlessly and ferociously.

Her strength and courage through trials and hardships unnumbered are why she is receiving the Wonder Woman Wednesday spotlight this week.  She may not have been dealt a fair hand by human standards, but her sacrifices and refusal to let hopelessness win makes her one of the bravest women on this planet.  She’s a warrior. 

I should know, she’s my mom.  She’s an artist, a NICU nurse, a fighter, and a survivor.  Part of what she does as an artist is drawing portraits of babies who are in heaven so their parents will have something beautiful for them.  She does this for free through her business, NewBourn Creations.  

If you are ready to share your story and help us in #fightingback against abuse towards women, email sunshine@yourdamseldiva.com.  

Wonder Woman Wednesday-Rape gets the spotlight at Amherst College

On May 25, 2001, Angie Epifano was held down and raped by an acquaintance on the campus of Amherst College.  Amherst blamed her, shamed her, took away her privilege to study abroad, and even had her sent to a psych ward.  This experience destroyed Angie.  They would not let her report him, and she eventually left the college without graduating while her rapist graduated with honors. 

“Eventually I reached a dangerously low point, and, in my despondency, began going to the campus’ sexual assault counselor. In short I was told: No you can’t change dorms, there are too many students right now. Pressing charges would be useless, he’s about to graduate, there’s not much we can do. Are you SURE it was rape? It might have just been a bad hookup…You should forgive and forget.” Angie tells in her sorrow filled shocking recount of her experience with Amherst. 

“I was continuously told that I had to forgive him, that I was crazy for being scared on campus, and that there was nothing that could be done. They told me: We can report your rape as a statistic, you know for records, but I don’t recommend that you go through a disciplinary hearing. It would be you, a faculty adviser of your choice, him, and a faculty adviser of his choice in a room where you would be trying to prove that he raped you. You have no physical evidence, it wouldn't get you very far to do this,” she continues.

According to the “statistics” gathered by the sexual assault counseling center, Amherst has been home to several serial rapists, or men who have raped more than 5 women.  The rapists always graduate, and the victims are left holding the shattered pieces of their lives while the Dean tells them it’s their fault.

Amherst is just one of hundreds of colleges with a sexual assault reporting problem.

Students at Amherst have begun to put the pressure on administrators over how the school treats victims of rape by creating a photo series where survivors held up large cards with the responses from administrators, friends, peers, counselors, and others. 

Lee, a senior at Amherst said to the Huffington Post, “We wanted to show that Angie was not alone in her mistreatment and abuse by college administrators, but the administration’s actions don’t exist in a vacuum—they exist in a larger culture in which too often, victims are silenced and perpetrators excused.  We have to think about how we, as friends or peers of survivors, contribute to a culture of silence through our insensitive and thoughtless words.”

The photo series sent shockwaves across college campuses raising awareness for the way victims of sexual assault on campus are handled.  42% of women in college who are raped tell no one about the assault, and 95% of sexual assault victims never report the attacks to the authorities because they are stopped dead in their tracks at the administration level.

“Photos are visual and engaging, and they can be a powerful tool for documenting social injustice,” Lee continued, “I think partly what made this project so powerful was that it was specific to Amherst College—the survivors involved are our friends and peers, people we know, and the quotations are also from members of our community.”

The survivors in the series hope to change how the problem is handled at Amherst, particularly by Amherst College President Biddy Martin.

See the complete photo collection here.

An online magazine called It Happens Here has also been created by Amherst students as a way to bring attention to the issue.  

Since, Biddy has been very quick to institute a number of immediate changes.  Other colleges have taken notice and have started their own processes to make change. 

The week’s Wonder Woman Wednesday showcase goes to the brave survivors of college campus rape.  Alone, you may be only one, but together you can raise your voices to the sky and create change so that women who follow behind you can attend a stronger, safer experience. 

You can find Angie’s complete story here. 

If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, don’t let anyone tell you not to report it.  The National Sexual Assault Hotline has people on duty right now who can help you through the process, just call 1.800.656.HOPE.

If you are ready to share your story and help us in #fightingback against abuse towards women, email sunshine@yourdamseldiva.com.  

Wonder Woman Wednesday-coming back from sex trafficking

jesrichardson.com

When I ask people what sex trafficking means to them, I get so many answers, but most of them paint a picture of girls being kidnapped and swept across country lines to be sold into some third world brothel.  As a matter of fact, more than half of the people asked used the word ‘kidnapped’ in their response. 

Sex trafficking or human trafficking, by definition is:

 THE RECRUITMENT, HARBORING, TRANSPORTATION, PROVISION, OR OBTAINING OF A PERSON FOR THE PURPOSE OF A COMMERCIAL SEX ACT WHERE SUCH AN ACT IS INDUCED BY FORCE, FRAUD, OR COERCION, OR IN WHICH THE PERSON INDUCED TO PERFORM SUCH ACT HAS NOT ATTAINED 18 YEARS OF AGE.

In the early 80’s there was a young girl named Jessica.  She had been molested by neighbors most of her very young life and had no idea it was not okay.   Her family moved to Joseph, Oregon in the late 80’s where her father was murdered by a family acquaintance, and at the same time, she was learning that  her peers hadn't been exposed to sex in the way she had.

When Jessica turned 13, her mother remarried and the traumas in her life spiraled her out of control.  She found herself using drugs and drinking, even miscarrying a child.

At 16, she was sent to a Portland GED program and began to work in a restaurant where a 43-year-old man lavished her with attention.

“I had never felt so special and loved,” Jessica explained, “I remember him asking me, ‘If you’re already having sex, why wouldn't you want to get paid for it?’”

She was lavished right into sex trafficking.  Her boyfriend, who she later realized was her pimp, promised a whole new life, even giving her a new name: Joanna.  He showered her with gifts, cell phones, manicures, and she truly believed that she was better off with him.

In 1997, a group of prostitutes in Vancouver, B.C, beat her until she was unrecognizable.  She barely escaped with her life and fled to a Seattle escort service, but the job was wearing on her.  She would take money, promise sex acts, and flee, often forcing her to escape a very violent and angry customer.

A couple of years later, she became pregnant.  She decided to leave the life of sex trafficking and returned home with her mom in Idaho to deliver her baby girl.  It was there that she became a Christian and met her current husband, Reid Richardson.  Since, they have had four more children and now reside in California.

Jessica Richardson

Through Christ and the loving support of her husband and family, Jessica has reclaimed her identity and has dedicated her life to change.  She has turned her darkness and trauma into something beautiful and filled with light.   Her trainings have been translated into several languages and have circled the globe.  She works with the FBI and sits on legislative panels, as well as speaks to churches and organizations.  She has spoken at Yale, Portland State University, University of Oregon, and Concordia University just to name a few. 

I have read testimony after testimony from women whose lives have been epically changed by Jessica.  For every terrible moment she experienced in the hell of sex trafficking, she has created a beautiful one for another woman.   Jessica Richardson is truly a Wonder Woman and receives our Wonder Woman Wednesday spotlight for not letting her life overcome her.  Instead, she has overcome her life and helps others overcome theirs.  

You can find more information about Jessica and her available training tools at jessrichardson.com.

 If you have been a victim of sex trafficking, sexual assault, abuse, or domestic violence, you are not alone.  Brave women have walked the same path before you, and have chosen to live a life that matters so that you may find peace and healing in their story.  We can help connect you with local resources in your community that can lead you to a life worth living.  If you or someone you know has a story about #fightingback please email me at Sunshine@YourDamselDiva.comand you may find yourself as a featured Wonder Woman Wednesday spotlight.

Wonder Woman Wednesday-A life worth living

We always hear about the horrors of the world around us.  People do terrible things to each other.  Not a day goes by that I don’t get a story about something tragic that happened to a good person, and most of those stories never hit the media.  When people tell me, “The media blows things out of proportion” or, “the media creates a fear based society,” I just want to show them the email bank of stories I have that proves the problem is larger than the media.

Sometimes it seems too big.

Then you read about somebody like Rebecca Bender.  She spent six horrific years of her life trapped and sold into sex trafficking.  Things that happened to her would make you lose sleep at night.  Many people believe that she would be a broken and tortured soul forever, just another victim in the dark people of the world, but not Rebecca. 

Rebecca is a survivor.  She met her trafficker near a college campus in Oregon, she became a victim of abuse, and eventually he trafficked her.  She was sold nationwide for six years, tried to escape many times, was branded twice, and had to endure several traffickers before the FBI raided her home and gave her the means to escape.

Healing was not easy.  It took faith in God and the help of a local church to restore her.  She realized through her process that she could use her life to help others overcome as well.  She grew into her faith, started a ministry, wrote the Roadmap to Redemption, and now she is a renowned consultant and public speaker.   She is also married with children and living a beautiful life.

If you don’t believe you’re worth it, if the darkness in your life is still holding you back, Rebecca is proof that anyone can be an overcomer, no matter what trauma you have experienced. She is now a public speaker, virtual mentor, and consultant for everything from television to investigations.  

Rebecca Bender receives the Wonder Woman Wednesday spotlight this week because of her work in helping the broken heal, her willingness to hold a torch in the darkness, and her bravery to be a transparent window to the path of healing.

To learn more about Rebecca Bender, you can find her on the web at rebeccabender.org.

If you have been a victim of sex trafficking, sexual assault, abuse, or domestic violence, you are not alone.  Brave women have walked the same path before you, and have chosen to live a life that matters so that you may find peace and healing in their story.  We can help connect you with local resources in your community that can lead you to a life worth living.  If you or someone you know has a story about #fightingback please email me at Sunshine@YourDamselDiva.com and you may find yourself as a featured Wonder Woman Wednesday spotlight.

Wonder Woman Wednesday-I chose life

Whenever I attend a training that is being taught by a police officer, no matter what I’m learning about, one thing always remains the same:

I am going home to my family tonight, I and whether they go home to theirs is up to them.

The point of that sentence is to show us we have to make a choice to survive.  We have to choose before we even get into a situation that we are going to fight for our life not worrying about the person who might be attacking us. 

In September of 2006, Portland resident Susan Walters came home from her job as an ER nurse to find Edward Haffey waiting for her. 

“Not having any clue why he was in my home, I knew, I could feel his intent to kill me,” she says as she explains the details of the night.

That night, Walters had to fight for her life, and ended up winning.  Haffey on lost his life that night, but not before saying, “You’re strong,” his last words alive.

Susan Walters

In court, she explained that Haffey was waiting for her with a hammer.  She immediately began to fight.  They struggled a bit, but Walters eventually grabbed the hammer away from him.  They fought for 14 minutes, and in the end, with her hands around his throat, she said, “Tell me who sent you here and I will call you an ambulance.”

Michael Kuhnhausen

Later, Walters found out that her husband, Michael Kuhnhausen, hired the man to kill her in their home for a fee of $50,000.

Almost a decade later, her ex-husband  will be going before a parole board and could get out of prison.

“Although I’ve forgiven my ex-husband for what he became, and what he did to me and all those who he loved, I cannot forget what he’s capable of.” Walters explains as the date nears.

She’s not worried.  Walters is ready to fight again if she has to.

“I didn’t choose my attacker’s death for him,” she said, “I chose my life.”

Susan Walters wants her story to inspire women to fight back. 

“If you feel like, ‘wow, I don’t feel like I can do that.’ You can.  You’re stronger than you know,” Walters continues.

Something that will ring true in every account of a woman fighting off an attacker and surviving is that they choose life.  They are going to live, no matter what the stakes. 

Because of her bravery, strength, and mission, Susan Walters is our Wonder Woman Wednesday spotlight.

If you or someone you know is a survivor and has a Wonder Woman story, please email me at sunshine@yourdamseldiva.com for a chance to be featured.  Your story could save a life.  Your bravery could lead the way out of the darkness for someone trapped in fear and pain.  Your courage could give another strength to change the world.