I haven't blogged about the Duggar molestation
scandal because one, it makes
me sick, and two, I wanted more of the story to unfold. Everyone in the blogsphere hit the keys with
happy hatred beating in their hearts, excited to take down a family that they
knew couldn't be as perfect as it seemed to be.
I am not a piranha and refuse to hit the keys just because there’s blood
in the water, however, I am a great white shark, and there is victim blaming on a surf board just above me.
I’ve been in several debates with people since the news
broke about what the difference between molestation and exploration. Exploration happens in childhood. You've probably been curious about your body
at some point and checked out a trusted friend’s body just to see what it looks
like. Exploration is entered into
mutually by two children usually of the same sex and who are the same age and
size. There is never coercion or
deception by one, and most times it’s just to see what parts of their body look
like from a different view. Children who
are caught in exploratory play are often giggling because they feel it’s
silly. Child molestation happens when a
person becomes sexually aroused by a child who is much smaller and younger than
them. Deception, such as touching during
sleep or using coercion to perform or get away with sex acts on a child is
child molestation.
In this case, the victims were more than 5 years younger, in
a completely different age group, there was coercion and deception. It seems cut and dry. The Incest Survivors Resource Network states
that "the erotic use of a child, whether physically or emotionally, is
sexual exploitation in the fullest meaning of the term, even if no bodily
contact is ever made." It’s very
important to remember that no touching has to ever occur for the damage to be
done. Even exposing one’s self or
looking at a child who has been talked into taking their own clothes off
for sexual gratification is sexual abuse.
Forget the abuser, let’s stop talking about how he was just
a boy who needed therapy. We have
established that he meets both legal and psychological criteria to be
considered a predatory sex offender.
What about the girls?
And I’m not talking about who they are, where they live, and what they
look like. I’m talking about the fact
that no one cared enough to protect the girls beyond counselling.
When a girl is molested, several things happen from a psychological
and medical standpoint. A sacred barrier
has been breached. Psychologically, when a young girl is
molested, there is an instant brand of shame put right on her heart. It can take years to go away, and sometimes
it never does, especially when the information is suppressed. It’s not something that a short stint of
counselling can fix. PTSD, depression,
anxiety, insomnia, weight issues, and even issues within the reproductive parts
of the body can stem from even one time of child sexual abuse. When a child is molested and the information
is suppressed, it deepens the shame in that child and will take root and grow
as that child enters adulthood. Children
who are sexually abused at a young age can always struggle with what box to put
sex into. They will often be either
overly sexual or have no sexual desire. This
can cause relationship problems and even divorce as an adult. Drug
and alcohol use often becomes a factor as well.
According to the AAETS, “specialists in the addiction field (alcohol,
drugs and eating disorders) estimate that up to 90 percent of their patients
have a known history of some form of abuse.
Children who have been sexually abused are at higher risk to be groomed
for sex trafficking and working in the adult entertainment business.
When a girl’s heart has been affected by sexual abuse as a
child, she looks to her champions to come to her rescue. In this case, the champions in question suppressed
the information and created a familial culture that it’s not that big of a
deal. When children, especially young
girls have to grow up in this victim blaming culture within the family, being
faced with their abuser every day and watching him get away without any real consequence,
it deepens the chasm of shame, opens up the risk of it happening again and
again as they head into adulthood, and never re-solidifies that barrier. This is why women who have been abused often
times end up with men who abuse. That
barrier that would send someone else running for the hills appears familiar and
safe to a girl who has experienced the same barrier breach as a child, even if
the woman doesn't understand why, therefore repeating the cycle of abuse.
This chasm of shame can hold adults back from ever reaching
their full potential. In some cases,
everything can seem fine until one day in her mid-30’s, Suzie Q has a
psychological breakdown and doesn’t understand why. The long term effects of sexual abuse are
staggering, even in girls who have received counselling as a child. It’s an epidemic that will not ever go away
until people start standing up and saying, “We will not condone this anymore!”
Parents, protect your children. Mandatory reporters, PLEASE REPORT! IT’S MANDATORY!!! Even if it feels like life will be really
hard once you do. This story proves that
if you don’t, life will be even harder.
So, while I watch mortified as the only conversations people
are having are out of anger that the girls have been victimized by this story
coming out, I want to leave you with this.
They were already victimized. No
one cared to be outraged then. Nobody
who was supposed to protect them did. A
piece of their soul is forever missing, and they are just supposed to be okay
with it. The more the conversation
minimalizes the actual event in their lives by diverting the outrage to other
avenues, it creates this new feeling that
Abuse is always a big deal.
Coercion and deception are the path to abuse. Always report it. Be part of the movement to stop the cycle and
hold people accountable for their actions.
Let me ask you this.
If a 15 year old kid shot your child in cold blood, would you not want
them to be treated and tried as an adult?
Why is sexual abuse any different?
