The road so far.....from the ashes

Today while I was in a tear filled message conference with someone very, very close to me, I was reminded once again to turn around and look at the road I've travelled.  I know it's there, I talk about it a lot, but sometimes you need to really take a moment and look at it.

Not everyone in the world has lived the life I've lived.  I know that.  The first time I told my story, I knew that, and it's what made it so hard to let those words tumble over trembling lips to first a few people, then a few dozen, then a few hundred, and on and on.  I was never comfortable in my skin when I began to tell my story because it felt like I was lifting up the clean carpet in my home to reveal a silage pit hidden beneath filled with rot and putrid horror.

Now that I am comfortable telling my story, I sometimes forget the raw emotion that comes along with it.  I'm not numb, don't get me wrong.  I still feel it every day, but I'm not afraid.  Telling my story has birthed more survivors from the bondage of their victim chains than I even can begin to fathom.  No, now I tell my story from the stance of a warrior on a crusade.

I consider myself a Phoenix.  I lived one life before.  The dark and empty life of a victim suffocated of hope, peace, or freedom, just waiting for it to be over.  Everything I saw from those eyes was hurt, fear, and ugliness.  I lived in that ugliness for so long that even after I was free of it, I was still hunted and hurt again.  It was all I knew because it started before I had memories.  From the dark corners of my bedroom to the dark corners of the streets, everywhere I went was filled with dark corners, and in all of those corners was another more horrific monster.  I was led with promises of safety into some of the worst experiences you can imagine, and barely survived.  It was in those last moments when I was told where my body would lie rotting and never found that something happened.  I can't explain it other than God was not letting me die on that day.  As I rushed back into the world of the living, I embraced it with everything I had, burned that old life down, and was reborn.

I was reborn a survivor.  Since that day 11 years ago, I have only glanced back in the rear view mirror with my foot on the pedal as I continued on my journey, afraid that if I slowed down, the monsters would catch up.  It took me a few more years to open up about my life, and when I did, it was as if Niagra Falls washed over me.  Every time I told it, my armor got stronger.  Every time someone approached me, and in that tiniest voice said, "Thank you.  You just told my story" my fire burned brighter.  Every tear soaked meeting and impossible moment pushed me beyond my Phoenix birth.

They led me to write a series of books for Damsel in Defense called SAFE (Sharing Awareness for Family Empowerment) Hearts where I can go right to the source and help break cycles before they even continue.  Together with Damsel in Defense, we have the opportunity to empower an entire generation to shine light in the dark corners of the world.

They have led me to work with amazing organizations such as OAASIS (Oregon Abuse Advocates and Survivors in Service) where I can come together with other warriors to create change in how the world views not only child sex abuse, but the soil in which it takes root and begins to grow.

They have led me to the involvement in the RAINN (Rape and Incest National Network) Speakers Bureau where I have had the opportunity to speak and be published.

They have led me to put my story into words in a book that will be done this year so that others who have visited the dark places I have been can find solace in the fact that they are not alone, that we are better together, and that there is light in their futures.

In the next few weeks, I am meeting with program managers and founders of organizations I would never have dreamed that I would be sitting down and having coffee with.

With all that said, still, these words stopped me in my tracks tonight:

"And as if you need any more qualifying around the word survivor, now you have cancer survivor in there as well.  You are more than a Phoenix."

I never thought that there was more than being a Phoenix, but after some time spent in deep contemplation, the act of being reborn was the moment I became a Phoenix.  The moment when my light shone bright and I refused to have darkness around me ever again.  Now I carry that torch into my fight.  I am a warrior of light, a defender of the helpless, and a freaking force of nature.  I am a catagory 5 hurricane and I'm just getting started.  The more I set free from the bondage of shame, the , the more we grow in strength.  I am a Colonel building an army, but not of darkness, of light.  Together we are a supernova.

This is the road I've traveled.  Sex abuse, sexual assault, abduction, domestic violence, child exploitation...those are all in the rearview mirror on that road.  Sometimes you have to stop, get out of the car, and take note of the road so far.  Ahead of me is darkness.  So much darkness.  I have no idea where this road leads, but I'm not afraid of it anymore.  I will battle whatever comes to free them all.

Dear Mr. Turner, A letter of response

Dear Mr. Turner,

I have read the letter that you wrote the judge pleading that your son’s punishment for rape is too harsh.  After all, he’s not a violent person, he has a great smile, and he likes steak.

First, I am very sorry that your son’s life has been forever changed by his actions.  Let me repeat, his actions.  All actions have a consequence sir, both good and bad, and when you break the law you have to face the music.  I’m sorry he is struggling with anxiety and doesn’t like his favorite foods any longer.  I’m sorry that his choice to rape an unconscious woman for his “20 minutes of action” has caused him stress, and has caused you to throw a fit like a pompous little baby.

Let me ask you a question?  Where is your concern for the victim in this case?  

Does he barely consume food except to exist because his punishment is too harsh, or do you think that he is ashamed of his actions?  Are you ashamed of his actions?  Should we pat him on the back for what he’s done, or should we finally draw a line in the sand and say rape is rape.  Would you be writing the same note if a man raped your unconscious son?  After all, it’s just 20 minutes of action.  What if it was your wife?

Yes, his life is forever changed, as it should be.  He should have been given boundaries and values from day 1 and been taught that he’s not worth more than anyone else, and to treat humans with the same respect and dignity he would want to be treated with. 

Where did he learn that it was okay to take what he wanted from another person without thinking about the effects on them sir?

Let me tell you what changes for a sexual assault victim:

Embarrassment is the first thing that grips you, and it grips your heart tight.  Fear of having to say that you weren’t strong enough or smart enough to fend off an attack isn’t far behind.  Fear of retaliation, fear of being made a fool in the court room by being asked what you were wearing, how much you had to drink, or the famous, “Are you sure you didn’t at least nod your head a little?”

Next comes mental illness.  Mental illness affects every aspect of your entire life.  Anxiety and depression take over you like a bird in an oil spill.  Why?  Because the one thing you were supposed to choose who you shared with has been taken. 

Have you ever been forced into something that you couldn’t stop, sir?

Fear of disease or pregnancy intertwine with the aching pit in your stomach that never goes away because you know that YOU will be left with the consequences of what to do if rape has created another human.  YOU will have to face the hard choices and live with the aftermath of them.  You either terminate and deal with the stigma of abortion, give the child up because you aren’t sure you can handle it, or you bring a life into this world unprepared, unplanned, and painfully real.

What would you choose, sir?

Then there’s picking gravel out of your back as the blood runs down your body turning the shower water a disgusting shade of pinkish red while your face aches from the cut in your lip.  Under the hottest possible water, you try to scrub off the smell of his breath that will never go away and will haunt your dreams for the rest of your life, and the deepest sadness overcomes you as you drop to the ground and sob until you realize the water is ice cold.

You feel so stupid. 

His laugh.  His hands.  His words.  His grunts.  The smell.  The pushing.  The pain.  The mess. Being alone.  Being unsafe.  Those will.never.go.away.  Forever there will be triggers that take you right back to that moment you realized there was no amount of fighting that would change what was going to happen.  That moment when you realized that fighting back would only make things more bloody because we live in such a rape culture that we were never taught to fight back and fight back dirty. 

Hate.  Hating your rapist, hating yourself, hating everyone around you for not understanding, and the cold vulnerability of the emergency room as a doctor with no victim specific language tries his best to take a rape kit without scaring you or making you feel worse than you already do.

Pitty.  Pathetic pitty from everyone who finds out.  Hearing, “I’m sorry.” Over and over again because nobody knows what else to say when they realize what happened.

Loss of the relationship you were in because they aren’t equipped to help you navigate through the chasm of trauma.  The people you love drift away because you’re too ashamed to continue, or you push them away because you can’t handle the burden you place on them.

PTSD from rape lasts forever.  You try anything to get rid of the memories, but they will always remain.  Every time you look at your forever changed face and that scar on your lip.  Even though it healed pretty well, it’s always there, along with the scars in your back constantly reminding you of the scars on your soul.

Then comes the worthlessness.  How can anyone want me after that?  I’m damaged.  Labels like soiled, dirty, disgusting, worthless, and whore swirl around you.  The uncontrollable crying never stops, so you quit going places because you’re tired of coming up with excuses. 

Food?  Forget food.  Or maybe don’t, maybe eat so much that you gain a ton of weight so no one will ever see you as attractive again.  Oh God, what have you done?  Throw that up.  And you do.

Sleep?  Forget sleep.  Forget anything that makes you feel like you might not have control, and there is nothing like a little sleep paralysis to take away your control.

When you feel like there is no one left, you just want it to end.  You spend days just staring into nothing while it eats away at your heart.

Years of therapy just prove to you that you’re not ever going to be okay, and you believe it.  Because of this belief,  you continue to find yourself in sticky situations and the spiral goes nowhere but down into a series of bad choices and dangerous situations.  You begin over time to believe that it is your lot in life to be surrounded by people who hurt you.

All of this combined is called shame.  Shame and guilt stop you in your tracks.  They stop you from living.  They keep you sitting in your adversity.  

I know, first hand because this is me.  My scars are both visible and invisible.  I am reminded every day when I look in the mirror and every night when the lights go off.

So no, Mr. Turner, when your son decided to stick part of his body into an unconscious girl, he has to live with the consequences, and as far as I’m concerned, rapists get off way too easy because what they steal from their victims is far worse than a little jail time and having to register as a sex offender. 

I hope that your son sees how big his mistake was, and I hope he uses this as an opportunity to create awareness and help end the rape culture we currently have to survive in every day. 

Fortunately for me, I have healed.  Not completely, because my soul will never be the same, but I know I’ll be okay.  The career I have chosen as a Damsel in Defense Pro gives voices back to the people they’ve been stolen from and teaches women to fight.

Your son is lucky though.  He’s lucky he didn’t try to attack one of my students.  He would call for the police to take him away on his own had it been one of the Sisters of the Phoenix.

Maybe you should take a census of your own stock Mr. Turner.  Had it been my son, he would have begged for jail, because I don’t raise my children with so much self-entitlement that they can hurt another person.  I raise them with a warrior mindset to fight for themselves and those around them, and to stand up against people like your son.

Have a nice day Mr. Turner.  I know none of this matters to you, but to a Phoenix, it matters a lot.  If you're not sure what a Phoenix is, you should look it up.  We rise from the ashes of our old lives every day, and it is our mission to shine light into the darkness until rape becomes a thing of the past.  You can help us end this victim blaming rape culture, or you can put your face against us.  The choice is yours.  Good day, sir.

Sincerely,

Sunshine O’Connor

Independent Damsel in Defense Pro

yourdamseliva.com

Wonder Woman Wednesday-BREEessrig's story

The bravery it takes to step forward and use your story to help someone else is something that should be taken very seriously.  When you already spend your time in the public eye like BREEessrig who has a very successful Youtube channel, stepping out with your story can be more terrifying that you can imagine.

This week, BREEessrig's bravery and courage to step up and tell her story gives her this week's Wonder Woman Wednesday spot.

If you have been a victim of sexual assault, you are not alone.  There are resources and people out there ready to help you.  If you would like to have your story considered for the Wonder Woman Wednesday spotlight, please email Sunshine@YourDamselDiva.com.  You never know who will be touched by your experiences and could begin to heal from their trauma through your story.

RAINN poses questions to Congress about sexual assault

With the 114^th Congress ramping up, Rebecca O’Connor, RAINN’s vice president for public policy has posed three questions for them:

1. How should schools handle sexual assault cases?

What is the role and responsibility of a college or university in the fight against sexual violence?  What standards should apply to investigations, and when and how should law enforcement be involved?  How can we best protect students from these crimes and support those who are victimized?  “We’re working closely with federal lawmakers to shape legislation that will be re-introduced this session and is sure to once again make front-page news,” O’Connor explains.

2. What can be done to end the backlog of rape kits?

Untested rape kits are a national problem.  While good progress has been made, there is still much work to be done to ensure sexual assault forensic exam kits are correctly processed so victims get answers and rapists are held accountable.  “RAINN is closely monitoring the Justice Department’s implementation of the SAFER Act and new DNA initiatives,” O’Connor said, “In addition, RAINN together with the National Center for Victims of Crime and Natasha’s Justice Project, is at the helm of the Rape Kit Action Project (RKAP) which last year advised lawmakers in 20+ states as they developed rape-kit laws.  With RKAP support, seven states passed such laws last year and we expect to help many more do so this year.”

3.How can professional sports leagues be part of the solution?

Everyone has watched as the media put the spotlight on sexual assault in major league sports, and Congress is also watching.  Last month, a Senate committee hearing featured testimony from representatives from the NHL, MLB, NBA, and their players’ unions regarding the prevention of sexual assault and domestic violence.  “Continued national dialogue, including new legislation, is likely in the year ahead.  RAINN has held discussions with sports leaders as well as members of Congress about steps leagues can take to improve,” O’Connor explained.

For more information about taking action with RAINN, you can visit their Action Center.

Wonder Woman Wednesday-Secondary survivors

Wonder Woman Wednesday has been, up until today, used to feature strong women who have survived really, really hard things and used those things to help spread awareness of violence against women.  All of the Wonder Women of the past who have healed enough to finally tell their stories didn't wake up one day and go, “Hmm.. it’s Tuesday, I think I’m going to pour out my life today.” 

The progression to tell your story is usually as slow as honey in a blizzard.  It starts with one thought or motion, which grows into several thoughts and motions.  None of us can tell our story without the people who support us, hold our hand along the way, hand us tissues, and basically allow us to be blubbering snot factories and not treating us like we have Ebola.

All of us who have found the courage to stand up and tell our stories did not do so without being held up by an indestructible foundation made up of people who love us.  Those people aren't just unaffected super strong little versions of He-Man and She-Ra.  They have been hurt.  They have been affected.  They have held us, cried with us, prayed for us, been hurt by us, had to relearn how to act around us, and had to make their own decision, asking themselves if it is healthy for them to be the people we need them to be.

Being a secondary survivor is not an easy thing.  They may not have survived the actual moments of our lives, but they have had to survive us surviving the memory of those moments, which can be very traumatizing.

They are not all women, many of them are men who have made the choice to learn how to support us and be an advocate for our platform of awareness. 

The video I am sharing with you today is one secondary survivor, and he is a man.  If you are a survivor, you have to recognize the secondary survivors in your life and know that you could not be a Wonder Woman without them.

Kevin, I hope you are honored to be the first man to receive the Wonder Woman Wednesday feature.  All of the women you have helped become stronger, and all of the men you have educated make you a very valuable and important asset to everything we do to spread awareness.

Thank you for your dedication.

If you or someone you know has a story of survival, please email sunshine@YourDamselDiva.com.

Self proclaimed romance coach teaches rape tactics

#fightingback #pushbackthedarkness THIS Damsel is going
to shine a light on what you're doing

It's men like this that promote a rape culture, victim blaming, and teach men that it's okay to take what you want, no matter what the other person wants.

Teaching tactics like choking and sexually assaulting women is deplorable.

The men standing up to him threatening to rape anyone who stands against Julian Blanc are going to be in for a surprise as Damsel in Defense educates more and more women on not only how to stay safe, but how to fight back, and how to stand up against the evil in this world.

I am furious that this is even a thing!  Help me fight him!  Read all about this insane situation by reading the FOX news story here.  Warning, if you watch the video, it may bring up feelings for survivors of assault.

Let's ban together!  He may not consider putting his hands on someone without permission sexual assault, but what he's teaching is disgusting.

I hope that one of the women he tires to approach and put his hand around her neck is someone that has been equipped with self defense tools, education to use them effectively, and that has been empowered to stand up against anyone who feels like they can take what they want without permission.

No real man would use any of these tactics to get a date.  This is not dating, it's abuse, and once that girl enters into a relationship that begins with abuse, it can very easily escalate to domestic violence.  #shuthimdown
#takedownjulianblanc

If you only knew that you aren't alone

Tonight as I was sifting through piles and piles of scribbled notes and research for my book, I found a post it note that stopped me in my tracks.  Through the process of this whole crazy roller coaster ride of life I happen to be strapped in against my will, I have to keep remembering that this isn't for me.  This is for you.

The times I stare at blank sheets of paper and literally have arguments with the pen about putting the words down, the times I want to run and hide in the closet, and the times I don't think I can open that door again are for you, because you are still in the dark.

If you're hurting, or terrified, or thinking of hurting yourself, you're not alone.  There are so many people trapped in the darkness, hiding under blankets of shame, afraid of being found out, and terrified to face themselves in the mirror.  It's for you that life that was once buried deep under the ground encased in concrete that was encased in steel and covered with land mines behind fences that grew taller and thicker for miles and miles is now unearthed and on display.

In my endless stack of research and scribbles, there are endless emails from you.  I'm scared.  I'm terrified.  I'm lost.  I can't do this.  They all say the same thing:  Help me.

So I go on, and I will continue, and this book will be completed, and God will do with it what He sees fit to do, but until then, I want you to know that I am your biggest cheerleader.  I will carry this light and shine it into the darkness until you see me, and through that, I only hope you see yourself for what you really are.

On the crisp little yellow sticky note were the words that I scribbled in between two thoughts so I wouldn't forget: So many of you out there are hiding and hurting because of the shame you feel.  If you only knew that you aren't alone, and how beautiful and strong you are, imagine what you could accomplish!

Your travels are not over, and your work is far from done.  Your pain will remain as long as you hide from what caused it.  There is healing here.

Wonder Woman Wednesday-Rape gets the spotlight at Amherst College

On May 25, 2001, Angie Epifano was held down and raped by an acquaintance on the campus of Amherst College.  Amherst blamed her, shamed her, took away her privilege to study abroad, and even had her sent to a psych ward.  This experience destroyed Angie.  They would not let her report him, and she eventually left the college without graduating while her rapist graduated with honors. 

“Eventually I reached a dangerously low point, and, in my despondency, began going to the campus’ sexual assault counselor. In short I was told: No you can’t change dorms, there are too many students right now. Pressing charges would be useless, he’s about to graduate, there’s not much we can do. Are you SURE it was rape? It might have just been a bad hookup…You should forgive and forget.” Angie tells in her sorrow filled shocking recount of her experience with Amherst. 

“I was continuously told that I had to forgive him, that I was crazy for being scared on campus, and that there was nothing that could be done. They told me: We can report your rape as a statistic, you know for records, but I don’t recommend that you go through a disciplinary hearing. It would be you, a faculty adviser of your choice, him, and a faculty adviser of his choice in a room where you would be trying to prove that he raped you. You have no physical evidence, it wouldn't get you very far to do this,” she continues.

According to the “statistics” gathered by the sexual assault counseling center, Amherst has been home to several serial rapists, or men who have raped more than 5 women.  The rapists always graduate, and the victims are left holding the shattered pieces of their lives while the Dean tells them it’s their fault.

Amherst is just one of hundreds of colleges with a sexual assault reporting problem.

Students at Amherst have begun to put the pressure on administrators over how the school treats victims of rape by creating a photo series where survivors held up large cards with the responses from administrators, friends, peers, counselors, and others. 

Lee, a senior at Amherst said to the Huffington Post, “We wanted to show that Angie was not alone in her mistreatment and abuse by college administrators, but the administration’s actions don’t exist in a vacuum—they exist in a larger culture in which too often, victims are silenced and perpetrators excused.  We have to think about how we, as friends or peers of survivors, contribute to a culture of silence through our insensitive and thoughtless words.”

The photo series sent shockwaves across college campuses raising awareness for the way victims of sexual assault on campus are handled.  42% of women in college who are raped tell no one about the assault, and 95% of sexual assault victims never report the attacks to the authorities because they are stopped dead in their tracks at the administration level.

“Photos are visual and engaging, and they can be a powerful tool for documenting social injustice,” Lee continued, “I think partly what made this project so powerful was that it was specific to Amherst College—the survivors involved are our friends and peers, people we know, and the quotations are also from members of our community.”

The survivors in the series hope to change how the problem is handled at Amherst, particularly by Amherst College President Biddy Martin.

See the complete photo collection here.

An online magazine called It Happens Here has also been created by Amherst students as a way to bring attention to the issue.  

Since, Biddy has been very quick to institute a number of immediate changes.  Other colleges have taken notice and have started their own processes to make change. 

The week’s Wonder Woman Wednesday showcase goes to the brave survivors of college campus rape.  Alone, you may be only one, but together you can raise your voices to the sky and create change so that women who follow behind you can attend a stronger, safer experience. 

You can find Angie’s complete story here. 

If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, don’t let anyone tell you not to report it.  The National Sexual Assault Hotline has people on duty right now who can help you through the process, just call 1.800.656.HOPE.

If you are ready to share your story and help us in #fightingback against abuse towards women, email sunshine@yourdamseldiva.com.  

Wonder Woman Wednesday-A life worth living

We always hear about the horrors of the world around us.  People do terrible things to each other.  Not a day goes by that I don’t get a story about something tragic that happened to a good person, and most of those stories never hit the media.  When people tell me, “The media blows things out of proportion” or, “the media creates a fear based society,” I just want to show them the email bank of stories I have that proves the problem is larger than the media.

Sometimes it seems too big.

Then you read about somebody like Rebecca Bender.  She spent six horrific years of her life trapped and sold into sex trafficking.  Things that happened to her would make you lose sleep at night.  Many people believe that she would be a broken and tortured soul forever, just another victim in the dark people of the world, but not Rebecca. 

Rebecca is a survivor.  She met her trafficker near a college campus in Oregon, she became a victim of abuse, and eventually he trafficked her.  She was sold nationwide for six years, tried to escape many times, was branded twice, and had to endure several traffickers before the FBI raided her home and gave her the means to escape.

Healing was not easy.  It took faith in God and the help of a local church to restore her.  She realized through her process that she could use her life to help others overcome as well.  She grew into her faith, started a ministry, wrote the Roadmap to Redemption, and now she is a renowned consultant and public speaker.   She is also married with children and living a beautiful life.

If you don’t believe you’re worth it, if the darkness in your life is still holding you back, Rebecca is proof that anyone can be an overcomer, no matter what trauma you have experienced. She is now a public speaker, virtual mentor, and consultant for everything from television to investigations.  

Rebecca Bender receives the Wonder Woman Wednesday spotlight this week because of her work in helping the broken heal, her willingness to hold a torch in the darkness, and her bravery to be a transparent window to the path of healing.

To learn more about Rebecca Bender, you can find her on the web at rebeccabender.org.

If you have been a victim of sex trafficking, sexual assault, abuse, or domestic violence, you are not alone.  Brave women have walked the same path before you, and have chosen to live a life that matters so that you may find peace and healing in their story.  We can help connect you with local resources in your community that can lead you to a life worth living.  If you or someone you know has a story about #fightingback please email me at Sunshine@YourDamselDiva.com and you may find yourself as a featured Wonder Woman Wednesday spotlight.