Dear Monster, you have no power over me

Dear Monster,

When I was a child, I was terrified of you.  My skin would erupt with the feeling of a million little bugs running for their lives when I heard your footsteps slinking down the hall.  You forced me to disappear within myself while you found pleasure in my flesh, and every time, a little more of my being would fracture.  Because of you, I could never fully be comfortable in my own skin as a child.  Instead, I was always worried about who would find my dark secret and use it to destroy me.  I was never an equal, and the joys of childhood were lost in the game of hide and seek.

As I grew older, my warped and twisted reality grew into a gnarled old tree in the depth of a dark swamp.  Boundaries didn’t exist.  I let more evil in than just you, and because of it I was forced to do worse things than you could ever imagine…or maybe you could.  I was the beast you created, the heir to the tarnished and cracked throne of a long bloodline of evil.  I believed I was worthless.  I believed my only existence was to be a tool used by anyone who needed to drive a nail further into a heart that once beat with love.  There was no light in my life because of you.

Even when God brought light into my life, it was fleeting, only giving me glimpse of what could be if only I wasn’t me.  It wasn’t until someone noticed that I was drowning and stretched out their hand that I could finally breathe.  I felt like I was free because I was away from you, but the nightmares still haunted the dark places in my mind.  I tried to overcome, but every time I hit a wall built of fear, constructed by me made from pieces of you. 

As I entered adulthood and began to have children of my own, I found myself in a string of abusive situations.  No matter how hard I tried to rise above my station in life my dark secret always drug me back down, pulling me into the murky depths of the abyss.  I was unworthy of love, of good, and of happiness.  Everything was hard because of you.  Everything. 

Then something happened.  One day after the last time I was abused I hid.  I hid in a cocoon of something I saw as safety, but it was really just another version of control, causing me to lose the last little bits of myself.

Then, when I found myself alone, God was the only one left standing by like a sentinel in a hurricane.  Through Him, I was shown the beauty of grace and that my scars were only a reminder of who I once was, not who I was becoming.  He brought people into my life to show me my full strength.  I lit a torch and burned that bruised and broken girl to the ground and everything you ever did to her.  I became a phoenix rising from the ashes of the brokenness and terror that you filled me with.  The warrior who stands before you today is writing not to tell you that you are forgiven because of rationalizing why you did what you did, but that you are forgiven because I refuse to let your filth fill my pores for one more moment.  Your sad pathetic life is a reminder of the bed you have made and are chained to for eternity, while I am free. 

That torch I used to set my prison ablaze, I now carry to help other survivors burn theirs to the ground too.  In the end, we will all be phoneixes taking to the air, no longer held by the bondage of monsters like you, and when our fire fills the skies, there will be no place left for you to hide.

I am not afraid of you.  I see you, and you are dead to me.

As sincerely as I can possibly be,

Sunshine O’Connor

The road so far.....from the ashes

Today while I was in a tear filled message conference with someone very, very close to me, I was reminded once again to turn around and look at the road I've travelled.  I know it's there, I talk about it a lot, but sometimes you need to really take a moment and look at it.

Not everyone in the world has lived the life I've lived.  I know that.  The first time I told my story, I knew that, and it's what made it so hard to let those words tumble over trembling lips to first a few people, then a few dozen, then a few hundred, and on and on.  I was never comfortable in my skin when I began to tell my story because it felt like I was lifting up the clean carpet in my home to reveal a silage pit hidden beneath filled with rot and putrid horror.

Now that I am comfortable telling my story, I sometimes forget the raw emotion that comes along with it.  I'm not numb, don't get me wrong.  I still feel it every day, but I'm not afraid.  Telling my story has birthed more survivors from the bondage of their victim chains than I even can begin to fathom.  No, now I tell my story from the stance of a warrior on a crusade.

I consider myself a Phoenix.  I lived one life before.  The dark and empty life of a victim suffocated of hope, peace, or freedom, just waiting for it to be over.  Everything I saw from those eyes was hurt, fear, and ugliness.  I lived in that ugliness for so long that even after I was free of it, I was still hunted and hurt again.  It was all I knew because it started before I had memories.  From the dark corners of my bedroom to the dark corners of the streets, everywhere I went was filled with dark corners, and in all of those corners was another more horrific monster.  I was led with promises of safety into some of the worst experiences you can imagine, and barely survived.  It was in those last moments when I was told where my body would lie rotting and never found that something happened.  I can't explain it other than God was not letting me die on that day.  As I rushed back into the world of the living, I embraced it with everything I had, burned that old life down, and was reborn.

I was reborn a survivor.  Since that day 11 years ago, I have only glanced back in the rear view mirror with my foot on the pedal as I continued on my journey, afraid that if I slowed down, the monsters would catch up.  It took me a few more years to open up about my life, and when I did, it was as if Niagra Falls washed over me.  Every time I told it, my armor got stronger.  Every time someone approached me, and in that tiniest voice said, "Thank you.  You just told my story" my fire burned brighter.  Every tear soaked meeting and impossible moment pushed me beyond my Phoenix birth.

They led me to write a series of books for Damsel in Defense called SAFE (Sharing Awareness for Family Empowerment) Hearts where I can go right to the source and help break cycles before they even continue.  Together with Damsel in Defense, we have the opportunity to empower an entire generation to shine light in the dark corners of the world.

They have led me to work with amazing organizations such as OAASIS (Oregon Abuse Advocates and Survivors in Service) where I can come together with other warriors to create change in how the world views not only child sex abuse, but the soil in which it takes root and begins to grow.

They have led me to the involvement in the RAINN (Rape and Incest National Network) Speakers Bureau where I have had the opportunity to speak and be published.

They have led me to put my story into words in a book that will be done this year so that others who have visited the dark places I have been can find solace in the fact that they are not alone, that we are better together, and that there is light in their futures.

In the next few weeks, I am meeting with program managers and founders of organizations I would never have dreamed that I would be sitting down and having coffee with.

With all that said, still, these words stopped me in my tracks tonight:

"And as if you need any more qualifying around the word survivor, now you have cancer survivor in there as well.  You are more than a Phoenix."

I never thought that there was more than being a Phoenix, but after some time spent in deep contemplation, the act of being reborn was the moment I became a Phoenix.  The moment when my light shone bright and I refused to have darkness around me ever again.  Now I carry that torch into my fight.  I am a warrior of light, a defender of the helpless, and a freaking force of nature.  I am a catagory 5 hurricane and I'm just getting started.  The more I set free from the bondage of shame, the , the more we grow in strength.  I am a Colonel building an army, but not of darkness, of light.  Together we are a supernova.

This is the road I've traveled.  Sex abuse, sexual assault, abduction, domestic violence, child exploitation...those are all in the rearview mirror on that road.  Sometimes you have to stop, get out of the car, and take note of the road so far.  Ahead of me is darkness.  So much darkness.  I have no idea where this road leads, but I'm not afraid of it anymore.  I will battle whatever comes to free them all.

Wonder Woman Wednesday-When she told her mom she had been molested, her dad came to the rescue

One of the strongest methods of healing after surviving abuse is learning that you are not alone.  Out there are thousands and thousands of people who have lived your same story.  Of course, the details aren't going to be the same, time frames will differ, but when it all comes down to it, no matter how often, how intense, or how terrible the abuse was, it leaves you with the same emotional trauma.

Sharing your story is the hardest, yet most freeing way to begin healing and help show others the out of the darkness. 

In a world where we hear terrible stories about parents selling their own children, mothers siding with abusive men over their babies, and terrible things that become family secrets, when someone puts their personal relationships aside and does the right thing and then they share that story, their bravery should be commended.

For the first time ever, Wonder Woman Wednesday goes to a family.  When 10-year-old Breann was molested, she was fortunate enough to have the strength to tell right away.  When it came out that it was her father’s dad, Breann’s parents went above and beyond to protect their little girl. 

If only every child had the love of a mother and father who would both do everything under the sun to protect them, imagine what kind of world we would live in.  If you or someone you know has been sexually abused, do not keep it a secret.  Do not forgive and forget.  Do not let them get away from emotionally, physically, and sexually damaging you for the rest of your life.  Report it to the local authorities.  Tell someone right away.  

If you or someone you know has a story to share, please email sunshine@YourDamselDiva.com.  You never know how many people your story could help.

Know the signs of abuse to look for in your children

It's very important to pay attention to changes in your child's behavior and always stay on top of what's going on in their little lives.  It's never too early to create that communication connection with them.

Here are some signs to look for.