The road so far.....from the ashes

Today while I was in a tear filled message conference with someone very, very close to me, I was reminded once again to turn around and look at the road I've travelled.  I know it's there, I talk about it a lot, but sometimes you need to really take a moment and look at it.

Not everyone in the world has lived the life I've lived.  I know that.  The first time I told my story, I knew that, and it's what made it so hard to let those words tumble over trembling lips to first a few people, then a few dozen, then a few hundred, and on and on.  I was never comfortable in my skin when I began to tell my story because it felt like I was lifting up the clean carpet in my home to reveal a silage pit hidden beneath filled with rot and putrid horror.

Now that I am comfortable telling my story, I sometimes forget the raw emotion that comes along with it.  I'm not numb, don't get me wrong.  I still feel it every day, but I'm not afraid.  Telling my story has birthed more survivors from the bondage of their victim chains than I even can begin to fathom.  No, now I tell my story from the stance of a warrior on a crusade.

I consider myself a Phoenix.  I lived one life before.  The dark and empty life of a victim suffocated of hope, peace, or freedom, just waiting for it to be over.  Everything I saw from those eyes was hurt, fear, and ugliness.  I lived in that ugliness for so long that even after I was free of it, I was still hunted and hurt again.  It was all I knew because it started before I had memories.  From the dark corners of my bedroom to the dark corners of the streets, everywhere I went was filled with dark corners, and in all of those corners was another more horrific monster.  I was led with promises of safety into some of the worst experiences you can imagine, and barely survived.  It was in those last moments when I was told where my body would lie rotting and never found that something happened.  I can't explain it other than God was not letting me die on that day.  As I rushed back into the world of the living, I embraced it with everything I had, burned that old life down, and was reborn.

I was reborn a survivor.  Since that day 11 years ago, I have only glanced back in the rear view mirror with my foot on the pedal as I continued on my journey, afraid that if I slowed down, the monsters would catch up.  It took me a few more years to open up about my life, and when I did, it was as if Niagra Falls washed over me.  Every time I told it, my armor got stronger.  Every time someone approached me, and in that tiniest voice said, "Thank you.  You just told my story" my fire burned brighter.  Every tear soaked meeting and impossible moment pushed me beyond my Phoenix birth.

They led me to write a series of books for Damsel in Defense called SAFE (Sharing Awareness for Family Empowerment) Hearts where I can go right to the source and help break cycles before they even continue.  Together with Damsel in Defense, we have the opportunity to empower an entire generation to shine light in the dark corners of the world.

They have led me to work with amazing organizations such as OAASIS (Oregon Abuse Advocates and Survivors in Service) where I can come together with other warriors to create change in how the world views not only child sex abuse, but the soil in which it takes root and begins to grow.

They have led me to the involvement in the RAINN (Rape and Incest National Network) Speakers Bureau where I have had the opportunity to speak and be published.

They have led me to put my story into words in a book that will be done this year so that others who have visited the dark places I have been can find solace in the fact that they are not alone, that we are better together, and that there is light in their futures.

In the next few weeks, I am meeting with program managers and founders of organizations I would never have dreamed that I would be sitting down and having coffee with.

With all that said, still, these words stopped me in my tracks tonight:

"And as if you need any more qualifying around the word survivor, now you have cancer survivor in there as well.  You are more than a Phoenix."

I never thought that there was more than being a Phoenix, but after some time spent in deep contemplation, the act of being reborn was the moment I became a Phoenix.  The moment when my light shone bright and I refused to have darkness around me ever again.  Now I carry that torch into my fight.  I am a warrior of light, a defender of the helpless, and a freaking force of nature.  I am a catagory 5 hurricane and I'm just getting started.  The more I set free from the bondage of shame, the , the more we grow in strength.  I am a Colonel building an army, but not of darkness, of light.  Together we are a supernova.

This is the road I've traveled.  Sex abuse, sexual assault, abduction, domestic violence, child exploitation...those are all in the rearview mirror on that road.  Sometimes you have to stop, get out of the car, and take note of the road so far.  Ahead of me is darkness.  So much darkness.  I have no idea where this road leads, but I'm not afraid of it anymore.  I will battle whatever comes to free them all.

Wonder Woman Wednesday-The Thursday edition

Due to computer malfunction, this article wouldn't post yesterday.  We're going to try again!

27-year- old mother-of-two, Brooke Beaton, was just a girl who worked at Chevys Fresh Mex and planned to start taking classes on at the University Center when she found herself driving her car with her boyfriend - who has not been named - in the passenger seat.

After he became angry, he punched her in the face, struck her again, choked her and tried to take away her phone, she said.

'I ended up at a gas station about five miles away from where we were,' Beaton told the Argus Leader. 'He was wiping up the crime scene with a paper towel from the gas pump.'

Beaton said her blood was spattered on the ground and all over her cell phone.

Her attacker eventually let her take him to his home and she drove away to her own house.

Once she arrived home she called the police and a sheriff's deputy. The next day she called her good friend Tiffany Thoelke, a freelance photographer, and planned a photo shoot.

Beaton, who had modeled before decided that her assault would be the perfect platform to raise awareness of domestic violence and how suddenly it can happen. 

Her boyfriend, who she had been dating for 4 months but had been friends with for 8 years was arrested for domestic aggravated assault and interference with emergency communication because he stopped her from calling for help. 

Since Brooke posted the photos on her social media, the outpouring of support and stories of other survivors have poured in.

Her cool head got her out of a terrible situation, and her bravery allowed her to pick up the phone.  Her extraordinary courage brought her in front of a camera unafraid to show the damage that had been done so that people would notice domestic violence happens everywhere and can happen to anyone.  Because of her strength, Brooke Beaton is this week’s Wonder Woman.

Learn more about Wonder Women or submit your story to Sunshine@YourDamselDiva.com.

Wonder Women....may we know them, may we be them, may we raise them.

XOXO,

The Stun Gun Girl

Domestic violence candlelight vigil in Gresham, Oregon

Rep. Carla Piluso, Sen. Laurie Monnes Anderson,Multnomah County Family Violence Coordinating Council, and the City of Gresham are asking you to attend the domestic violence candlelight vigil Tuesday, October 6, 2015 - 07:00pm - 08:00pm PDT at the Gresham Arts Plaza.

For questions about the event or to send your RSVP, please email rep.carlapiluso@state.or.us

Domestic violence affects one in three women. The cycle of violence will only be stopped when we come together as a community to end it. Love shouldn’t hurt.

GRESHAM ARTS PLAZA
401 NE 2ND STREET
GRESHAM, OR 97030

I hope you can make it. 

XOXO,

The Stun Gun Girl

Wonder Woman Wednesday-February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month

February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, an no one knows the importance of spreading awareness than Johanna Orozco. 

Johanna’s story was featured on an episode of the hit show I Survived because in the first 13 years of her life she lost both of her parents.  First, her mother became very ill and passed away, then just two weeks later, her father was taken from her in a fatal car accident.

A few years passed, and she met a boy named Juan.  She thought they were happy and easily fell in love with him, but over time, the relationship started to change. 

Orozco said that the abuse began as jealousy then moved to accusations of cheating.  Soon after that, he started using his hands to push and shove her.  Every time, he would apologize and profess his love for her, begging forgiveness.  When she got up the courage to break up with him, things took a turn for the worst and Juan raped Johanna at knife point in her bedroom thinking he would win her back. 

Johanna and Juan

I would love to tell you that this is the end of the trauma for Johanna, but it’s not.  While on house arrest for raping her, he violated his arrest terms and went to her house.  Johanna was unable to react before he shot her in the face with a sawed off shotgun in her grandmother’s car in front of her home.  The gunshot blew off a large portion of her lower jaw.

Johanna is a fighter.  Through several reconstructive surgeries, she has survived.  While Juan is serving his 27-year prison sentence, Johanna continued high school, even attending prom.  She graduated and decided to use her experience to educate people about teen dating violence.  She has even found it in her heart to forgive and pray about Juan.  She is now happily married to a man who loves and supports her mission.

Johanna is not alone.  Teen dating violence is on the rise, and no one is talking about it.  Parents and teens both need to be educated on teen dating violence, how to avoid it, and how to get out of it before something terrible happens.  She has been on Oprah, The View, and I Survived to tell her story.  She travels speaking to groups of high schoolers to educate them on the reality of teen dating violence.

It’s important to have intervention education at the teen level because according to a study by the CDC, 1 in 6 high schoolers will be victims of teen dating violence.  According to the same study, 54% of domestic violence killings involve couples that began relationships as young adults.  What does this mean?  If we can head off abuse at the teen level, we can lower the statistics of domestic violence deaths in adults.

Because of her strength and willingness to share her story for the good of others, Johanna is this week’s Wonder Woman.  Hundreds of teens lives are being shaped by listening to Johanna's story, and she is actively working to change the face of domestic violence in America.  

Thank you for being brave enough to share your story with the world in an effort to make it a better place.

If you or someone you know has a story of survival, email sunshine@yourdamseldiva.com and your story may save somebody’s life.  

Wonder Woman Wednesday-Busting the myths of domestic violence

Everyone has been talking about the murder of Nikki Elias, who was shot to death by her ex-husband, who later shot himself after taking their children from Nikki’s Portland home. 

This week for Wonder Woman Wednesday, I want to talk about domestic violence.

Judge Amy Holmes Hehn, who was the judge in the Elias’ case wrote an editorial for the Oregonian talking about the case and the issue.  If you've ever followed a case like this you will see several similarities.

• Everyone knows there’s a problem
• Restraining and stalking orders are in place
• The court is involved
• In the end, the more an abusive narcissist loses, the more likely he is to kill his victim

All of these things were in place in the Elias’ case. 

Judge Amy Holmes Hehn

Hehn wrote this editorial in order to shatter the myths about domestic violence.  You can find the entire article here.  It happens too often.  To many people do nothing. 

Gavin De Becker, the author of The Gift of Fear, and world renowned expert wrote, “In (sad) fact, if a full jumbo jet crashed into a mountain killing everyone on board, and if that happened every month, month in and month out, the number of people killed still wouldn't equal the number of women murdered by their husbands and boyfriends each year.”

Wrap your brain around that for a little bit.  I can spout off Domestic violence statistics all day long, but they will never amount to the above statement. 

Recently, two of the girls on my team and I were out at a movie.  We left the movie and saw a man beating up his girl in the parking lot.  Dozens….DOZENS of people walked by and did nothing, not even looking at the man who was choking this woman up against a car.  Nobody did anything as she screamed when she wriggled free.  Nobody, until the three girls dressed like zombies (it was almost Halloween) jumped into action pulling out stun guns and pepper spray.  The fear on that man’s face was pretty darn amazing as he saw three bloody flesh eaters coming for him.  We were the only ones who did anything.

In her article, Holmes calls out the men of the world to start holding each other accountable.   If you see something, say something.

She also breeches the questions, ‘why does she stay’ and, ‘why does she go back’ and ‘why doesn't she just leave?’.  As a survivor, I can say that you will never understand unless you've been abused, but just asking that question feeds victim blaming.  It takes the focus off of the abuser and puts it on the victim.  The problem isn't with her.  Many abuse victims are very successful, intelligent, amazing people who get into a relationship with a person who slowly changes them, taking away their confidence, their zest for life, and their ability to think for themselves.  A domestic violence victim is always trapped in survival mode.  

If we were to look at Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, the first one is physiological.  This is survival mode, where you’re just worried about food, water, shelter, and warmth.  The next level is safety, and an abuse survivor never feels safe, so they can never progress past the physiological level.  Above safety comes belonging and love for your friends, family, spouse or lover.  Above that is self-esteem, where we achieve recognition and respect for the mastery of our skills.  The top of the pyramid is self-actualization, where we pursue inner talent and have creativity and fulfillment.  You cannot achieve the next level unless the one you are on is complete.  For those of you who are not victims of abuse or never have been, you have a pretty complete pyramid.  Imagine if your state was destroyed by a devastating natural disaster, and it wasn't safe for you to get out.  You would be trapped worrying about food, water, shelter, and warmth and you would not be pulling out your prize winning painting skills and creating a masterpiece.  Until you felt safe, you wouldn't even feel a sense of belonging and love.  Without that, you wouldn't care about self-esteem. 

In her article, Hehn says, “Everyone needs to educate themselves about domestic violence. “

Not just the people who deal with it.  Everyone. 

If you see something, call 911.  If you hear something, call 911. 

Domestic violence is a public health crisis.

I always say in my Damsel in Defense classes that if we do nothing, the only thing that will change is the statistics of violence against women will continue to rise. 

Judge Amy Holmes has been fighting against domestic violence for 27 years, first as a prosecutor, and now as a judge.  She wrote, “it’s hard not to give up in despair.  As a society, it’s tempting to throw up our hands and walk away saying, ‘there’s nothing we can do.’ That would be a mistake.  There’s a lot we can do.”

Because of her hard work and dedication to survivors in my own back yard, she receives this week’s Wonder Woman Wednesday award.  She is one woman I would love to have lunch with.

Thank you Judge Amy Holmes Hehn for all of your hard work.  The ripple of domestic violence awareness will not stop with you.  It will ring out and make a difference.  At Damsel in Defense, we take violence against women very seriously, and when we lose a woman to a violent partner, it hurts all of us.  

If you or someone you know is #fightingback and making a difference, and you believe she should be nominated for Wonder Woman Wednesday, please email me at Sunshine@YourDamselDiva.com.

Wonder Woman Wednesday-When the victim becomes the attacker

This week's Wonder Woman Wednesday story threw me off guard.  As an educator who helps women lead safe and appropriate lives, I am always quick to push against victim blaming and giving women stronger rights.  What if that woman in a moment of self defense finds that she has no rights?  What happens to the victims when they become accused of the attack?  What can we do to help?  How do I not know this is happening in my own home state?

Delphine Criscenzo was just that.  A woman who fought for her life and the life of her children and in return, went to prison for more than a decade.  Her story will inspire you to take action, and during Domestic Violence Awareness Month, we should all be taking action.

Delphine Criscenzo, your tragedy and bravery is outstanding, and you are leading a fight for change that will save others in the future.





 If you are ready to share your story and help us in #fightingback against abuse towards women, email sunshine@yourdamseldiva.com.

Wonder Woman Wednesday-End victim blaming

Before you learn about the girl, I want you to see her story in her words:

"At about 2 a.m. Friday morning, Jon Koppenhaver arrived announced to my home in Las Vegas, NV. After he broke up with me in May, he moved out of my house and back to San Diego. When he arrived, he found myself and one other fully clothed and unarmed in the house. Without a single word spoken, he began beating my friend; once he was finished, he sent my friend away and turned his attention to me. He made me undress and shower in front of him then dragged me out and beat my face. I have no recollection of how many times i was hit. I just know the injuries that resulted from my beating. My injuries include 18 broken bones around my eyes, my nose is broken in 2 places. I am missing teeth and several more are broken. I am unable to chew, or see out of my left eye. My speech is slurred from my swelling and lack of teeth. I have a fractured rib and severely ruptured liver from a kick to my side. My leg is so badly injured, I have not been able to walk on my own. I also attained several lesions from a knife he got from my kitchen. He pushed the knife into me in some areas including my hand, ear and head. He also sawed much of my hair off with his dull knife.

Her wounds were severe

After some time, the knife broke off of the handle and continued to threaten me with the blade. I believed I was going to die. He has beaten me many times before, but never this badly. He took my phone and cancelled all of my plans for the following week to make sure no one would worry about my whereabouts. He told me he was going to rape me, but was disappointed in himself when he couldn't get hard. After another hit or two, he left me on the floor bleeding and shaking, holding my side from the pain of my rib. He left the room and went to the kitchen where I could hear him ruffling through my drawers. Assuming he was finding a sharper, more stable knife to end my life, I ran out the back door, shutting it behind me so the dogs did not run inside to tip him off. I hopped the fence to the gold course behind my house and ran into a neighboring house. naked and afraid he would catch me, I kept running through the neighborhood running through the doors. Finally, one answered and I was brought to the hospital and treated for my injuries.

Jon Koppenhaver
aka War Machine

I would like to thank everyone for their support through this rough time. I am healing fast and well, and I appreciate a lot of the prayers and visits I have received over the past few days. After many months of fear and pressure to keep this man happy, although I fear for my life, I feel that I can no longer put myself in this situation. The cheating by him nearly everyday, and almost weekly abuse, is now more than I can stand. There is a $10k reward for the capture of Jonathan Koppenhaver at this time. Please report any information to your local police.

Thank you.

- Christy Mack

Christy Mack

Christy Mack spent a very long time in the hospital recovering from her wounds which included, but were not limited to a broken face, missing teeth, fractured bones, multiple stab wounds, and those don’t even come close to the wounds she felt in her heart and soul.

Jon Koppenhaver, who already has a prison record, is still at large.  He is an MMA fighter who goes by the name War Machine.  He resided in San Diego, California and there is a $10,000 reward for any tips that lead to his arrest. 

Now that you know the story in her own words, remember that no matter who you are, you reside in a human body that can be hurt, tortured, raped, and even killed.  Christy Mack is a retired porn star.  She began her career as a model, and then found herself in the pornography industry.

Because of her choice of profession, victim-blaming has lit the web like wildfire after she told her story.  Well, she was a porn star, she deserved it.  She was with another man, she deserve it.  Her lifestyle makes her responsible for it.  She chose to have him in her life, she should have known better.    One Huffington Post commenter said he hopes, “she recovers and takes time to reevaluate her career.”  Another said, “She makes a living being subordinate to men sexually and professionally, why wouldn’t she do the same in her personal life?”

One person even went as far to say, “She’s driving an industry that promotes little girls being kidnapped and sold into sex slavery, so she should be in prison.”

“B*#& was probably cheating on him, she deserves to get beat.”

“U can’t change a whore into a housewife.”

War Machine even tried to defend his actions on twitter on August 10^th by tweeting, “Real men rape their wives and girlfriends, not strangers, don’t get your panties in a bunch.” Which he later removed. 

No matter what your feelings are on this, set them aside.  Christy Mack did not get beaten nearly to death in a porn movie.  Koppenhaver didn’t beat the crud out of a fictional character; he beat the heck out of a girl named Christie who just happens to be a porn star.

I know this Wonder Woman Wednesday is going to create some controversy.  How can you give an award to a woman who makes a living in an industry that goes against your mission?  Porn drives sex trafficking, that is a fact, and I know it very well, but I can’t help but remind you that it does not matter what profession you are in, no one deserves to be beaten.

Think about it this way.  In the profession she’s in, knowing the backlash she would get because of that profession; imagine the bravery it took for her to come forward.  Imagine the courage it took for her to go public knowing that there would be a huge amount of victim blaming.  She did it anyway.  She knew it would be hard, she knew it would be brutal, and she knew that she would be blamed, but she did it anyway.

Today as you read this, I want you to realize something.  Victims remain victims because of victim-blaming behavior in a rape culture.  We can fight against pornography, and I do, and we can fight against sex trafficking, which I also do, but while we’re doing that, we also need to commit to ending victim-blaming.  We can’t fight against one without ending the other as well.

Victim-blaming is a very real thing.  It has to be talked about and brought to the forefront.  We can't sweep stories like this under the rug just because the victim is also famous for having sex for money.  No matter what a girl does, is doing, or has done, she deserves the right to become a survivor, and if we hold her under because of her choices, she will never rise above and be able to use her story for good.  A victim is a victim no matter what.

For her bravery and courage to come forward and tell her story, for being strong enough to handle the backlash of comments and commentary, for looking past the judgment on her life, the threats, the harsh words, and the victim blaming and coming forward, Christy Mack receives this week’s Wonder Woman Wednesday. 

Do you or someone you know have a story to tell?  Email sunshine@yourdamseldiva.com and you may be featured as a Wonder Woman Wednesday award winner.

If you or someone you know has been hurt and needs help, I can help find resources in your area.  You are not alone.

Wonder Woman Wednesday-Woman stabbed over 40 times makes educating others her mission

Since the launch of Wonder Woman Wednesday on my Damsel in Defense blog, I have read, listened to, and watched some amazingly heroic stories.  All of them ripped my heart right out of my chest and lit it on fire, but this week, one took me by surprise. 

In 2005, Ilianexy Morales was a 33 year old beautiful woman with her entire life ahead of her.  She had recently broken it off with her boyfriend, and was moving on with her life.   One day, he showed up at her door saying he wanted to speak with her, and she let him in.  It never occurred to her that he came that day planning to kill her.

In a moment’s time, he pulled the knife from his sock and slashed her over 40 times all over her body.

“One day I was young, beautiful and healthy, then suddenly I was slashed everywhere, my face disfigured and my teeth were gone.  All because one person, who I’ve known for three years, felt he had the right to do this to me,” Morales explains, “I was stabbed and slashed over 40 times, all over my body, face, head, neck, breasts, stomach, arms, hands, legs and feet, and my teeth were shattered by the knife as well.”

After a miracle and three months in the hospital, half of which she spent in a medically induced coma, Morales survived the attack and has since had to endure more than 20 reconstructive surgeries.
 

What kept her hanging on?  She had a 6-year-old daughter and a bedridden mother who needed her.  Morales attribute them for keeping her strong.  She wasn’t going to leave her baby, and her mother, who heard the entire attack but couldn’t help, was not going to have that as her last memory of her child.

Saddened that she endured so much pain and disfiguration, Morales never let what happened to her get the best of her.  She used it to fuel her passion for helping others, and she never quit smiling.

Aryn Quinn, the founder of Beauty Cares, a non-profit organization dedicated to breaking the cycle of domestic abuse against teens, women and children brought Morales’ story to GLAM4GOOD.  Quinn nominated Morales for a day of Glam4Good pampering, stating, “Ilianexy embodies the founding spirit of Beauty Cares by taking something terrible which happened to her and turning it into an opportunity to empower others.  She’s strong, lovely, and generous with her talents and hard learned lessons.  Domestic violence shreds a woman’s spirit and I knew this GLAM4GOOD experience would be a celebration and powerful step to wholeness for Ilianexy.”

Morales explained that her boyfriend was never violent before that day, but was always extremely controlling, jealous, insecure, obsessive, and smothering.  He isolated her from her family and friends and followed her when she was in school or at the store.  She explained that he’d threatened to kill her then himself if she ever left, but she didn’t have a weak personality, and only submitted when death threats came into the picture.  Still, she believed he was generally good.

Morales’s ex-boyfriend was arrested at her apartment the night of the attack and sentenced to 15 years in prison.  He will be out in 2020.

Wonder Woman Wednesday this week goes to Ilianexy Morales, who was not only strong enough to survive, but strong enough to use her tragedy to help other women who might not otherwise know any better. 

Ilianexy Morales-Wonder Woman

“My message to women who are currently in abusive relationships is there is no excuse to stay in such a situation.  You deserve better, you deserve to be treated with respect and love,” she advises, “Seek therapy so others can help you understand that this is not the life you deserve.”

“To women in situations like mine, that have survived an attack and are hiding and ashamed and don’t know what to do, I want you to know that there is help out there for you,” she continues, “It first starts with acceptance; your scars, injuries, and everything else can be treated by amazing doctors that donate their time to help, but you are in control of what’s inside.”

When asked how she feels now, she will smile and tell you she is very lucky to be alive because, “There are women being killed every day by their partners.  I barely escaped with my life.  Do not let it get this far or worse; you must take action now for yourself and your children.”

Not only does Ilianexy Morales get the Wonder Woman Wednesday award this week, so do Beauty Cares and GLAM4GOOD for their mission to empower and educate women to live safer lives. 

They do hard things to build strong women, which falls directly in line with the mission of Damsel in Defense. 

If your partner threatens or physically abuses you, which includes pushing or shoving, there is no justification and it will only get worse.  Tell your family and call the national domestic abuse hotline immediately at 1-800-799-SAFE.

See Ilianexy's full story here.

If you or anyone you know needs help, reach out.  Do hard things.

Do you know of a Wonder Woman?  I'd like to hear from you.  Email me at sunshine@yourdamseldiva.com.