Wonder Woman Wednesday-I chose life

Whenever I attend a training that is being taught by a police officer, no matter what I’m learning about, one thing always remains the same:

I am going home to my family tonight, I and whether they go home to theirs is up to them.

The point of that sentence is to show us we have to make a choice to survive.  We have to choose before we even get into a situation that we are going to fight for our life not worrying about the person who might be attacking us. 

In September of 2006, Portland resident Susan Walters came home from her job as an ER nurse to find Edward Haffey waiting for her. 

“Not having any clue why he was in my home, I knew, I could feel his intent to kill me,” she says as she explains the details of the night.

That night, Walters had to fight for her life, and ended up winning.  Haffey on lost his life that night, but not before saying, “You’re strong,” his last words alive.

Susan Walters

In court, she explained that Haffey was waiting for her with a hammer.  She immediately began to fight.  They struggled a bit, but Walters eventually grabbed the hammer away from him.  They fought for 14 minutes, and in the end, with her hands around his throat, she said, “Tell me who sent you here and I will call you an ambulance.”

Michael Kuhnhausen

Later, Walters found out that her husband, Michael Kuhnhausen, hired the man to kill her in their home for a fee of $50,000.

Almost a decade later, her ex-husband  will be going before a parole board and could get out of prison.

“Although I’ve forgiven my ex-husband for what he became, and what he did to me and all those who he loved, I cannot forget what he’s capable of.” Walters explains as the date nears.

She’s not worried.  Walters is ready to fight again if she has to.

“I didn’t choose my attacker’s death for him,” she said, “I chose my life.”

Susan Walters wants her story to inspire women to fight back. 

“If you feel like, ‘wow, I don’t feel like I can do that.’ You can.  You’re stronger than you know,” Walters continues.

Something that will ring true in every account of a woman fighting off an attacker and surviving is that they choose life.  They are going to live, no matter what the stakes. 

Because of her bravery, strength, and mission, Susan Walters is our Wonder Woman Wednesday spotlight.

If you or someone you know is a survivor and has a Wonder Woman story, please email me at sunshine@yourdamseldiva.com for a chance to be featured.  Your story could save a life.  Your bravery could lead the way out of the darkness for someone trapped in fear and pain.  Your courage could give another strength to change the world.

Wonder Woman Wednesday-Travel terror

Today’s Wonder Woman Wednesday is a tale of travel horror that comes with many warnings. 

“I was pretty thrilled when I landed in Jamaica last May. The sun was warm, I looked good in a bikini, and here I was on my first-ever trip with a significant other.

Adding to the excitement, this was my boyfriend's first time out of the country. Within a few hours, we'd be eating rice and peas in a villa overlooking the Caribbean Ocean.

 My boyfriend and I in Grand Cayman, where we went after leaving Jamaica. This is when I started showing signs of PTSD.

 The reality wasn't so picture-perfect. The town didn't seem to have any tourist presence, now or ever. On our drive from Kingston's airport, a young mother selling fruit advised us to be careful as we traveled ahead.

 But here we were, feeling informed with our guidebooks in hand, stubbornly optimistic for our beach vacation and myself, anyway, overly adventurous from a lifetime of travel "off the beaten path."

Jamaican view

 The villa had a view, but it also had bugs, a layer of grime and an unsettling vibe. I wondered aloud if we shouldn't find a different place to stay. With our non-refundable deposit already paid, we decided to wait until tomorrow's daylight to make any decisions.

 When I woke up a couple hours into a restless sleep, I could still hear music playing from the beach below. I sat up slowly, letting the sleep fall away before grabbing my glasses.

Machete similar to the one used in the attack

 I stumbled naked into the narrow bathroom. When I turned to sit, there stood before me a a tall, thin man, his face illuminated by the near-full moon. This man, who I later learned is named Yuan, stood a foot away from me, smiling from behind the large machete he held samurai-style.

 He was the same man who had come by earlier on the pretense of selling fruit. He had seen me in my underwear, and, it seems, gone back to his home next door, armed himself, and waited in the bushes outside our villa until the lights went out.

Cassidy and her boyfriend

 There was only a beat before I screamed and Yuan swung that machete at me. While the machete hit me repeatedly on my left, his hand grabbed at the bare breast on my right side.

 I don't remember well what happened then. There's no visual memory anymore, only the memory of that scream, mine eventually joined by his, this man who had been seconds away from slitting my boyfriend's throat a few minutes before.

 When this man sliced through the mosquito netting around our bed, next to where my boyfriend was sleeping, he presumably hoped to kill my boyfriend before coming after me. This man did not expect me to wake up, and I imagine he didn't expect a fight if I did.

But I did fight, blocking that sword from ever hitting my throat or chest, where he was aiming, and finally pushing him out of the bathroom so that he could not lock me in, as I believe he planned to do.

 Once out of the bathroom, my boyfriend jumped up and grabbed a kitchen knife. With my fists flying relentlessly and my boyfriend approaching, Yuan turned and ran out the back door.

Cassidy and her boyfriend

 My boyfriend and I locked ourselves in the bathroom, where the toilet had come out of the floor and the walls were covered with blood. In that small bathroom we waited three hours, thanking god for a working cell phone and switching lines between an incompetent police operator, a useless representative from the American Embassy, my surprisingly composed mother, and one very helpful police detective.

It was that detective who would eventually find us, my boyfriend standing at the busted-in window, watching for signs of our attacker, and myself, holding my own machete, which I'd found in the bathroom after our first few minutes locked inside. I stood next to this detective, still naked and dripping blood, and surveyed the scene of a death I saved myself from.

 The terror of that night ended, but its horror haunted me for months to come. Within a couple weeks, I  developed debilitating tendinitis in both wrists. It was so painful that many nights I couldn't brush my teeth. I suffered a full four-months of the worst cramps I've ever experienced, and almost daily bleeding. (I had an IUD put in a week before the attack and I believe the PTSD compounded its side-effects).

The area they were to vacation in 

Even sleep was exhausting. I spent long, restless hours dreaming of horrible things, trapped in terrifying scenes that often felt like reality even after I woke up.

 I took to compulsively writing “Higher power give me peace” and “This is not my life” in my journal.

 By the end of the summer, I was suicidal. I scoped out the edge of bridges, fantasized about buying a gun and spent one long night eating through a bottle of painkillers. In November, I realized that I needed intensive help.  I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital, and began the difficult work of healing.

 Remembering that night, there lingers a haunting fear of the dangers that might still lie ahead. Yet that memory also brings pride. I am proud that I fought back.

 Certainly no woman can make a wrong choice when being attacked. She does what she can to survive. But it often seems that the only stories we hear are of women as victims. Even as children, we knew Little Red Riding Hood only escaped the wolf because the gallant woodsman came and saved her.

 When we returned home from Jamaica, almost everyone who heard the story commended my boyfriend for saving me. I still get angry about it.

 I refuse to lose my story to the power of a social narrative that says women are always victims. I saved myself from the big bad wolf. I am a victim, yes, but I am also my own hero.”

Her attacker, who is called Yuan, has not been brought to justice due to Jamaica’s complicated legal system. 

Cassidy's journaling after the incident

The obvious warning is know where you’re going.  Research where you’re staying.  Listen to the words of warning from locals, especially women.  Sleep with the doors and windows of y our villa locked.  Have something to defend yourself nearby, whether a large stick, a stun gun or a pepper spray, depending on the laws of the area you’re traveling to.  Travel with a buddy.  Have a check in person stateside who also has phone numbers to contacts with the U.S. Embassy and local police where you’re staying.  Check in at specific times and any time you might be off your itinerary.  If you’ll be off the beaten path, carry a satellite phone and GPS beacon.  Listen to intuition.  Something told her they shouldn’t stay.  Don’t wait on that feeling, act immediately.  

Intuition is one of the most important things we can use to save our lives.  There is a story of a woman who waited in the car while the driver, who left the car running, ran over to the ATM.  Suddenly she felt this overwhelming sense of fear and rushed to lock the doors, but it was too late.  What sparked her intuition?  A small bit of denim jeans moving too close and too fast to the car in the side view mirror that only her subconscious mind (the part in charge of the hair standing on the back of your neck) saw. 

Cassidy has acquired a large stuffed animal
collection since beginning to heal
from the attack.

Even with safety measures in place and staying at the most expensive and fancy resort in the world, things can happen.  This attack didn’t happen because they stayed in a seedy villa or didn’t have a weapon.  It happened because an attacker, who is always looking for an opportunity, was watching at the right moment.

Today’s Wonder Woman Wednesday goes to Veronica Cassidy, who in the blink of an eye chose to fight off her attacker, who wielded a machete while she was naked and defenseless.  Not only because she refused to be a victim and broke into action, but because she got help, rebuilt herself, and was born a survivor brave enough to tell her story so that others may gain knowledge from it.

“Remembering that night, there lingers a haunting fear of the dangers that might still lie ahead. Yet that memory also brings pride. I am proud that I fought back,” Cassidy said.

The U.S. Embassy says reports of violent crime and sexual assault against tourists is frequent in Jamaica and advises travelers to stay away from several areas on the island.  Always contact the U.S. Embassy to find out if there are travel restrictions or warnings in the area of travel before booking a trip.  Research the area thoroughly before travel.

Do you of someone you know have a story to tell?  If so, email sunshine@yourdamseldiva.com and you may be considered for a Wonder Woman Wednesday feature.  Wonder Woman Wednesday stories are of survival to help show victims that there is a light at the end of the darkness, that there is solace in healing, and that even the worst situations can be used for good.  

Wonder Woman Wednesday-seven year old saves cousin from kidnapping

When 39-year-old David Moore tried to kidnap 4-year-old Brandon as he played near his Miami home, his cousin wasn’t about to have it. 

“The man started pulling him, and we started pulling him back, and I had to chop and kick him so he could let Brandon go,” 7-year-old A-nari Taylor explained.  The girl reportedly punched, kicked, and screamed, causing Moore to release the boy.

Moore allegedly approached the boy saying, “God told me to take him, God told me he’s coming with me,” then grabbed him, but not before A-nari, in a moment of selflessness and bravery fought for her cousin’s life.

7-year-old A-nari Taylor

Because of her courage, A-nari  is receiving this week’s Wonder Woman Wednesday award.

“I’m very proud of her and she knows that I love her,” her mother said in an interview about the incident, “what she did was very brave.”

Because of A-nari’s strength and courage, Moore was arrested and charged with attempted kidnapping and false imprisonment.  She may never know how many more lives she saved by springing to action in a moment when many others would freeze. 

39-year-old David Moore

If she’s that tough of a cookie now, think about the force she will be when she grows up.

NBC Miami reported that A-nari received a plaque and a SpongeBob SquarePants jacket in a ceremony to reward her for her brave actions.

It’s time to talk to your kids about what can happen to them and what to do if it does. 

Are you or someone you know a survivor?  Submit your story to sunshine@yourdamseldiva.com for consideration for Wonder Woman Wednesday.

Wonder Woman Wednesday-Woman stabbed over 40 times makes educating others her mission

Since the launch of Wonder Woman Wednesday on my Damsel in Defense blog, I have read, listened to, and watched some amazingly heroic stories.  All of them ripped my heart right out of my chest and lit it on fire, but this week, one took me by surprise. 

In 2005, Ilianexy Morales was a 33 year old beautiful woman with her entire life ahead of her.  She had recently broken it off with her boyfriend, and was moving on with her life.   One day, he showed up at her door saying he wanted to speak with her, and she let him in.  It never occurred to her that he came that day planning to kill her.

In a moment’s time, he pulled the knife from his sock and slashed her over 40 times all over her body.

“One day I was young, beautiful and healthy, then suddenly I was slashed everywhere, my face disfigured and my teeth were gone.  All because one person, who I’ve known for three years, felt he had the right to do this to me,” Morales explains, “I was stabbed and slashed over 40 times, all over my body, face, head, neck, breasts, stomach, arms, hands, legs and feet, and my teeth were shattered by the knife as well.”

After a miracle and three months in the hospital, half of which she spent in a medically induced coma, Morales survived the attack and has since had to endure more than 20 reconstructive surgeries.
 

What kept her hanging on?  She had a 6-year-old daughter and a bedridden mother who needed her.  Morales attribute them for keeping her strong.  She wasn’t going to leave her baby, and her mother, who heard the entire attack but couldn’t help, was not going to have that as her last memory of her child.

Saddened that she endured so much pain and disfiguration, Morales never let what happened to her get the best of her.  She used it to fuel her passion for helping others, and she never quit smiling.

Aryn Quinn, the founder of Beauty Cares, a non-profit organization dedicated to breaking the cycle of domestic abuse against teens, women and children brought Morales’ story to GLAM4GOOD.  Quinn nominated Morales for a day of Glam4Good pampering, stating, “Ilianexy embodies the founding spirit of Beauty Cares by taking something terrible which happened to her and turning it into an opportunity to empower others.  She’s strong, lovely, and generous with her talents and hard learned lessons.  Domestic violence shreds a woman’s spirit and I knew this GLAM4GOOD experience would be a celebration and powerful step to wholeness for Ilianexy.”

Morales explained that her boyfriend was never violent before that day, but was always extremely controlling, jealous, insecure, obsessive, and smothering.  He isolated her from her family and friends and followed her when she was in school or at the store.  She explained that he’d threatened to kill her then himself if she ever left, but she didn’t have a weak personality, and only submitted when death threats came into the picture.  Still, she believed he was generally good.

Morales’s ex-boyfriend was arrested at her apartment the night of the attack and sentenced to 15 years in prison.  He will be out in 2020.

Wonder Woman Wednesday this week goes to Ilianexy Morales, who was not only strong enough to survive, but strong enough to use her tragedy to help other women who might not otherwise know any better. 

Ilianexy Morales-Wonder Woman

“My message to women who are currently in abusive relationships is there is no excuse to stay in such a situation.  You deserve better, you deserve to be treated with respect and love,” she advises, “Seek therapy so others can help you understand that this is not the life you deserve.”

“To women in situations like mine, that have survived an attack and are hiding and ashamed and don’t know what to do, I want you to know that there is help out there for you,” she continues, “It first starts with acceptance; your scars, injuries, and everything else can be treated by amazing doctors that donate their time to help, but you are in control of what’s inside.”

When asked how she feels now, she will smile and tell you she is very lucky to be alive because, “There are women being killed every day by their partners.  I barely escaped with my life.  Do not let it get this far or worse; you must take action now for yourself and your children.”

Not only does Ilianexy Morales get the Wonder Woman Wednesday award this week, so do Beauty Cares and GLAM4GOOD for their mission to empower and educate women to live safer lives. 

They do hard things to build strong women, which falls directly in line with the mission of Damsel in Defense. 

If your partner threatens or physically abuses you, which includes pushing or shoving, there is no justification and it will only get worse.  Tell your family and call the national domestic abuse hotline immediately at 1-800-799-SAFE.

See Ilianexy's full story here.

If you or anyone you know needs help, reach out.  Do hard things.

Do you know of a Wonder Woman?  I'd like to hear from you.  Email me at sunshine@yourdamseldiva.com.

Wonder Woman Wednesday-woman uses stun gun to stop attack

Wonder Woman Wednesday is reserved especially for women who have shown strength, courage, and didn't walk away from situations where most people would run, freeze, or not fight back. 

Today, we want to recognize Lisa Haecherl of Salem, Oregon. 

After a long day at work in February, 2014 at the Salem Center, Lisa headed to her car and had a strange feeling that she was being followed.  Suddenly, a man approached her and exposed himself.  This is the same area where 14 women had recently been groped, so Lisa was on high alert that a serial groper was on the loose. 

Without hesitation, Lisa set off her stun gun, and the man took off. 

You see, Lisa is one of the thousands of women who has realized that our safety is our responsibility, and not having something to protect yourself leaves you open for a successful attack.  It can be anyone, anywhere, any time, and she knew the importance of having a self-defense device, and because of that, the man couldn't carry his plan to fruition.

Most people don’t think about the progression of attackers.  They don’t wake up one day and go, “Wow, it’s Tuesday.  I’m totally going to rape somebody today.”  No.  They start with small things.  Instead, they begin with groping, flashing, cutting women’s hair on the bus, taking upskirt pictures, and other small things.  These are their practice behaviors, and soon enough the high they get from doing whatever they are doing to practice won’t be good enough, and they will move on.  By then, they have chosen the type of woman they like to attack, they have practiced and studied the reactions they get from these behaviors, and they progress their skills. 

If you were going to run a marathon, you would change everything you do, from your diet to your workout and gear.  Attackers do the same thing, and by the time they actually carry out a full on attack, they have strengthened the muscles it will take to subdue you, they have chosen their location B to take you to, they have a backup plan and that plan has a backup plan, and they have plenty of practice in the field. 

Unfortunately, the man who exposed himself to Lisa got away, but Lisa, who didn't hesitate to protect herself, is safe, and hopefully the flasher is early enough in his progression that he realized more and more women are carrying safety devices and will stop his behavior before it gets out of control.  

Lisa took a stand, and because of her situation, she is empowering other women in her circle to learn how to stay safer, and even though her stun gun isn't from Damsel in Defense, the point is that she has something to ward off attackers so she can stay safe.

Lisa is a Wonder Woman.

Do you know a Wonder Woman?  Email her story to sunshine@yourdamseldiva.com.

Enduring the scars of your past

It's why Damsel in Defense made perfect senses to me

“Some days are better than others.  Some days you just can’t figure out.” –Meredith Brooks

Every day when you look in the mirror, you should see something different than you did the day before.  I’m not talking about crow’s feet or laugh lines; I’m talking about you as a whole being.   How can I say that with complete faith?  Endurance.  We all start everything we do at the beginning.  We started walking by taking one step forward, then falling on our rear ends.  We started using a cup without a lid by picking it up and spilling it.  Everything we have ever done began at the beginning, and we get better because we’re constantly building endurance.

Endurance isn’t only specific to muscles or fine motor skills.  Endurance also accounts for getting better at our jobs, our marriages, our lives, and reversing our deficits. 

Tonight, as I was looking in the mirror, I turned and saw a scar.  It’s a familiar scar, and the pain that radiated from it when it was an open would has long gone.  Most of the time, I think the pain from how it got there is gone too, but then I’ll see it’s creation in bits and pieces flashing back like the reflection of passing lights in fragments of broken glass.  Bits and pieces like cars whizzing by on the freeway.  Not long ago, I would look at that scar and the emotions of its creation would pour out of it like hot white light as if it was still an open wound.  Not long before that, those emotions would grip my heart and cripple me, creating debilitating fear, hate, and shame.  Not long before that, I couldn’t even turn my shoulder in that direction when looking in the mirror because I couldn’t stand the thought that it even existed, so I kept it covered at all costs.  

The reason I can look at it now and not let it take over my life is because I built endurance to tolerate it.  Whether I like it or not, it’s here and it will never go away.  It is part of me and I am part of it.  I built endurance through counselling, my support system, and my church family.  I let God touch it with his healing hands and trusted that He would release the negativity from it.  I learned how to live with it and turn it into motivation to help others.  I stumbled at first, and I fell a lot, but every time I fell I got back up and started again.  Every time I got back up, I got a little farther before I fell again.  Now I see it, and the person wearing it as a warrior.  I see it as the mark of a champion fighting for other women who are still trapped in that terrible raw pain after an attack.  I see it as a reminder that no matter how wonderful the world is, there is also ugliness, and unless you learn to recognize that ugliness, you won’t see it for what it is when it looks you in the eye just before it pounces.

The night I got the scar in question was just like any other night.  It was a cool fall evening during my 16^th year.  My boyfriend had to work after the football game, so I decided to go to a party with a friend.  There was drinking involved, and a very dark train tunnel that we should have never been walking around in.  A man in his early 20’s was there, and he kept being near me, striking up conversations and saying things that made me feel like I wasn’t brave enough, or trusting enough, or hard core enough, and I felt like I wanted to prove him wrong.  Some sort of Spidey sense went off in the back of my brain like fireworks, but I was intoxicated, and didn’t have enough courage to ask my friend to take me home and seem like a total dork.  About an hour later, I was off looking for a suitable bathroom spot, when something slammed against me.  It happened so fast.  I didn’t see it coming.  I hit the ground with a thud, knocking the wind out of me.   A rock dug into my shoulder while I gasped for air.  The pain was immense, and I was trying to scream, but a large hand that smelled like whiskey and tasted like salt and dirt covered my mouth.  The harder I fought, the harder he held tight, and I found myself struggling to breathe.  I tasted blood from the split in my lip.  That rock dug in deeper and deeper, and although the immediate horror was over in a matter of minutes, the lasting scars from that gravel hill are with me forever, never ceasing to remind me of that one dark pinpoint in my lifeline.

It wasn’t the last, and definitely not the first time I had fallen prey to a predator, and it wasn’t even the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, but it’s the only one that left a visible mark for me to see when I look in the mirror every day.

Now that scar is a visible reminder of what’s out there.  It’s motivation for me to push forward all the time so I don’t end up there ever again.  It’s why Damsel in Defense made such perfect sense to me and why I became an Independent Pro.  I can use the drive from that scar to teach women how to stay safe, so hopefully they will never have to face down a permanent reminder of what happened to them.  It’s a very big part of why I stand up in front of strangers in living rooms all over spreading the Damsel in Defense mission to educate, equip, and empower women.  It’s a reminder of how hard I have worked to build up enough endurance so that I can completely reframe the events in my life.

Some days are better than others, and some days you just can’t figure out, but when you pull yourself out of a bad day and start again, you will build the endurance you need to get through another and endure the scars of your past.

If you’re ready to join a team and make a difference, let’s talk about what that looks like for you.  If you’re ready to host a self-defense presentation in your home, I can make that happen.  For more information, email sunshine@yourdamseldiva.com.