You can't save them all

Today at the gun show in Portland a husband wanted to buy a Sock It To Me for his wife. She held out her finger and said, I don't need that, I have this."

It led me on a journey of nerdism. According to rough numbers, I have determined that it would only take a 30 pound kid stomping on your finger. There are also several joints in your finger that are easily torked, and all of the nerves running through there make your fingers a dangerous weapon....to you.

One of the first self defense holds I ever learned was using the other person's finger to take away their leverage. 

Then there is the issue of DNA. in order to use your finger as a Sock It To Me,  you're going to have a significant amount of DNA come in contact with you. Most people have a hang nail or two, which leaves you susceptible to blood borne pathogens.....to which she answered, "I work with blood all day, I'm not afraid of it."...

To which I replied, Do you wear gloves when you're working with blood?"

Her response was yes.

I asked, "Are you wearing gloves right now?"

Her response was no.

So I asked, "If you work with blood, you know how dangerous it can be because you've taken a blood borne pathogen class, right?"

She's said yes.

So I asked, "Do you have specialized tools at work to do your job?"

She's said yes.

I ended with, "Doesn't it make sense then that you would be better off using a specialized tool in the event someone attacked you to save you from bodily injury or deadly infection? "

She's said yes.

I said, "Wouldn't it be amazing for a specialized tool like that to only cost ten dollars?"

She's said yes.

I said, "This Sock It To Me is only ten dollars, and it would make surviving an attack much easier, wouldn't it?"

She's said yes.

I asked her what color she wanted.  She said, "I don't need that, I have this" and showed me her finger, then walked away leaving both her husband and I staring at each other with our jaws on the floor.

You can't save them all, but you hope something sticks.

Save your finger, get a Sock It To Me at yourdamseldiva.com

Xoxo
The Stun Gun Girl

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Joining this team is one of the most amazing things I've ever done. Are you ready to help me fight human trafficking by spreading awareness and zapping stun guns?

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Let the holiday begin with Damsel in Defense's Black Friday and Cyber Monday sale

I believe that every woman on your Christmas list should receive a stun gun for Christmas, but I'm equally passionate about every child having access to a personal alarm.  They are great for those times when you're at the store and they want to go to the bathroom by themselves, for when they walk to and from school, when you're camping and you want to make sure they have a loud noise in case they get lost, and a million other scenarios that having a personal alarm could save their life.

Damsel in Defense has released their Black Friday/Cyber Monday sale early just because we want you to start thinking about doing something a little different this year.  Instead of supporting a big box store, please support local business owners and keep your money in your local economy.  Instead of giving lotions and potions, please consider giving a gift that could save a life.

You can purchase this excellent deal at http://yourdamseldiva.com, click on SHOP, and find the Black Friday Special on the left hand side!

Wonder Woman Wednesday-I chose life

Whenever I attend a training that is being taught by a police officer, no matter what I’m learning about, one thing always remains the same:

I am going home to my family tonight, I and whether they go home to theirs is up to them.

The point of that sentence is to show us we have to make a choice to survive.  We have to choose before we even get into a situation that we are going to fight for our life not worrying about the person who might be attacking us. 

In September of 2006, Portland resident Susan Walters came home from her job as an ER nurse to find Edward Haffey waiting for her. 

“Not having any clue why he was in my home, I knew, I could feel his intent to kill me,” she says as she explains the details of the night.

That night, Walters had to fight for her life, and ended up winning.  Haffey on lost his life that night, but not before saying, “You’re strong,” his last words alive.

Susan Walters

In court, she explained that Haffey was waiting for her with a hammer.  She immediately began to fight.  They struggled a bit, but Walters eventually grabbed the hammer away from him.  They fought for 14 minutes, and in the end, with her hands around his throat, she said, “Tell me who sent you here and I will call you an ambulance.”

Michael Kuhnhausen

Later, Walters found out that her husband, Michael Kuhnhausen, hired the man to kill her in their home for a fee of $50,000.

Almost a decade later, her ex-husband  will be going before a parole board and could get out of prison.

“Although I’ve forgiven my ex-husband for what he became, and what he did to me and all those who he loved, I cannot forget what he’s capable of.” Walters explains as the date nears.

She’s not worried.  Walters is ready to fight again if she has to.

“I didn’t choose my attacker’s death for him,” she said, “I chose my life.”

Susan Walters wants her story to inspire women to fight back. 

“If you feel like, ‘wow, I don’t feel like I can do that.’ You can.  You’re stronger than you know,” Walters continues.

Something that will ring true in every account of a woman fighting off an attacker and surviving is that they choose life.  They are going to live, no matter what the stakes. 

Because of her bravery, strength, and mission, Susan Walters is our Wonder Woman Wednesday spotlight.

If you or someone you know is a survivor and has a Wonder Woman story, please email me at sunshine@yourdamseldiva.com for a chance to be featured.  Your story could save a life.  Your bravery could lead the way out of the darkness for someone trapped in fear and pain.  Your courage could give another strength to change the world.

Why this Portland preschool teacher girl chose to be a Damsel in Defense Independent Pro

Alright everyone, here I am officially! My name is Sunshine (yes, for real), and I am a Damsel in Defense Independent Pro, and I have been for just over a year.

When I first started, I have to admit, I had done so much direct sales that I wasn't excited about doing it again, but I was completely in love with the products. That was the first thing that grabbed me.

I had a couple of parties, and my Pro was talking to me about doing it, and my husband, the analytical one of us, took a look at the hard numbers of this business. He sat me down one day and said, "Honey, this is going to be big. The numbers don't lie. In their first year, they blew most other direct sales companies out of the water, especially for being a brand new category of company. Where would you be if you were in the first wave of Scentsy consultants?"

So, I halfheartedly signed up, not because I didn't believe in the products, but I didn't believe in myself.   My Pro was ecstatic that I made the plunge, and since she has become my beautiful fiery red headed director, Karin Mitchell. 

The first thing that was different about being a Damsel in Defense rep was the leadership.  Normally, I was courted to join a team with promises of training and support, and as soon as my kit arrived, my upline was too busy to help me figure out what was going on.  With Damsel in Defense, that didn’t happen.  Our team is a sisterhood, and we cheer each other on, lift each other up, and teach each other all along the way.  We all bring experiences into this business that are important and necessary for all of us to have a full experience.  I can even call people who aren’t in my upline organization at all and pick their brains.  We’re all Facebook friends, we all run to each other with big hugs every time we see another Damsel sister, and most importantly, we all heal together.

The next big thing that happened to me was seeing  the video of our founders in the Philippines learning about Wipe Every Tear, our international charity that we support.  As I got to know the corporate team little by little, I started to see them for the beautiful people they were, not just some ladies who had a great idea and started a company.

After that, I got two phone calls in one month from women thanking me for the stun gun, because they had to use it. I was TORN UP! I had no idea what they would have done without Damsel products and knowledge!  I was still a baby in this company, so I was still working within my friends and family circle.  These were ladies that were dear friends whom I loved very, very much.  I cried and cried, and at that moment, I was all in, 100% career damsel, a crime fighting super hero.

I immediately grew a team without even really trying super hard, promoted up the ranks high enough to be invited to leadership training, where I got so sick that  I had to be flown home to go to a Portland hospital. 

The day I got home, two things happened.  I got a phone call from Bob Hipple, our CEO just checking up on me and making sure I didn’t need anything.  At this point he didn’t know me from any other pro, which means he would have called any of us.  He cared enough about each and every one of us that he called just to make sure I didn't need anything. 

The second thing that happened was getting an instant message from Mindy Lin, one of the co-founders, again, asking me if I needed anything and telling me how sorry she was that I had to miss the second half of Leadership Training.  I barely met her for five seconds, yet as soon as she found out I had to fly home, she was making sure I was okay. 

This, my friends, is a company with more heart than any I have ever been a part of.

Then, Mindy and Bethany came to Portland for a drop-in rally and I got to really meet them for the first time.  As soon as I walked in the door, Mindy and Bethany were hugging me and asking how I was.   I got to hear them speak live for the first time about their mission trip, and I swear I could see those girls from the Philippines staring at me through their eyes.   I knew then, that no matter how hard the road got, I would not fail them. 

A few more months rolled by, and I got another message from Mindy Lin asking if I would give a blurb on my story for National Sexual Assault Awareness month.   Gritting my teeth, I agreed, and there I was, showcased on the corporate page, then shared all throughout the land.  As scary as it was, it was also uplifting and healing….., and then was asked to speak at the second annual conference.

Wait....you want me to what? Tell my entire story in front of about 250 people?  Holy.  How do you say no to that?  How do you say yes?

You see, I'm a survivor, not only of sexual abuse from my father, but several attackers and tragedies that go along with spending your first 30 years as a victim. I was terrified but ready to use my story for good.

I took the stage, microphone shaking in my hand, voice shaking in my throat, and knees shaking beneath me and told my story.  Half way through, when the gasp happened where it always does when I tell my story, I wanted to run away and hide, but I didn’t.  I stayed and kept going because there is healing beyond the gasp.

Since, I have fallen more and more in love with what I do. I'm not a sales person. I am an educator who happens to also have self-defense tools, road side kits, and home protection products that you can purchase. I teach common sense self-defense above all, and give women the education and tools to survive. Through that, I have birthed countless survivors from the depths of being victims. I have given light to so many who were trapped in darkness, and I get emails every single day thanking me for my courage to take a stand and help them see that there is peace through healing.  Because of that, I will keep talking, keep sharing, and keep going through the gasp.

Damsel in Defense has given me more healing in one year than anything else I have tried all of my life.  I have created bonds stronger than steel with some of the most gracious and amazing women on the planet.  I have seen amazing things, and they just keep coming.

If you’re a victim, there is help.  I can help you find it.  If you’re a survivor, there are people who need you.  I can show you how to help them.  If you believe in becoming a crime fighting super hero, I can help with that too.

Are you ready to change your life?  Let’s talk.  sunshine@yourdamseldiva.com

Wonder Woman Wednesday-Travel terror

Today’s Wonder Woman Wednesday is a tale of travel horror that comes with many warnings. 

“I was pretty thrilled when I landed in Jamaica last May. The sun was warm, I looked good in a bikini, and here I was on my first-ever trip with a significant other.

Adding to the excitement, this was my boyfriend's first time out of the country. Within a few hours, we'd be eating rice and peas in a villa overlooking the Caribbean Ocean.

 My boyfriend and I in Grand Cayman, where we went after leaving Jamaica. This is when I started showing signs of PTSD.

 The reality wasn't so picture-perfect. The town didn't seem to have any tourist presence, now or ever. On our drive from Kingston's airport, a young mother selling fruit advised us to be careful as we traveled ahead.

 But here we were, feeling informed with our guidebooks in hand, stubbornly optimistic for our beach vacation and myself, anyway, overly adventurous from a lifetime of travel "off the beaten path."

Jamaican view

 The villa had a view, but it also had bugs, a layer of grime and an unsettling vibe. I wondered aloud if we shouldn't find a different place to stay. With our non-refundable deposit already paid, we decided to wait until tomorrow's daylight to make any decisions.

 When I woke up a couple hours into a restless sleep, I could still hear music playing from the beach below. I sat up slowly, letting the sleep fall away before grabbing my glasses.

Machete similar to the one used in the attack

 I stumbled naked into the narrow bathroom. When I turned to sit, there stood before me a a tall, thin man, his face illuminated by the near-full moon. This man, who I later learned is named Yuan, stood a foot away from me, smiling from behind the large machete he held samurai-style.

 He was the same man who had come by earlier on the pretense of selling fruit. He had seen me in my underwear, and, it seems, gone back to his home next door, armed himself, and waited in the bushes outside our villa until the lights went out.

Cassidy and her boyfriend

 There was only a beat before I screamed and Yuan swung that machete at me. While the machete hit me repeatedly on my left, his hand grabbed at the bare breast on my right side.

 I don't remember well what happened then. There's no visual memory anymore, only the memory of that scream, mine eventually joined by his, this man who had been seconds away from slitting my boyfriend's throat a few minutes before.

 When this man sliced through the mosquito netting around our bed, next to where my boyfriend was sleeping, he presumably hoped to kill my boyfriend before coming after me. This man did not expect me to wake up, and I imagine he didn't expect a fight if I did.

But I did fight, blocking that sword from ever hitting my throat or chest, where he was aiming, and finally pushing him out of the bathroom so that he could not lock me in, as I believe he planned to do.

 Once out of the bathroom, my boyfriend jumped up and grabbed a kitchen knife. With my fists flying relentlessly and my boyfriend approaching, Yuan turned and ran out the back door.

Cassidy and her boyfriend

 My boyfriend and I locked ourselves in the bathroom, where the toilet had come out of the floor and the walls were covered with blood. In that small bathroom we waited three hours, thanking god for a working cell phone and switching lines between an incompetent police operator, a useless representative from the American Embassy, my surprisingly composed mother, and one very helpful police detective.

It was that detective who would eventually find us, my boyfriend standing at the busted-in window, watching for signs of our attacker, and myself, holding my own machete, which I'd found in the bathroom after our first few minutes locked inside. I stood next to this detective, still naked and dripping blood, and surveyed the scene of a death I saved myself from.

 The terror of that night ended, but its horror haunted me for months to come. Within a couple weeks, I  developed debilitating tendinitis in both wrists. It was so painful that many nights I couldn't brush my teeth. I suffered a full four-months of the worst cramps I've ever experienced, and almost daily bleeding. (I had an IUD put in a week before the attack and I believe the PTSD compounded its side-effects).

The area they were to vacation in 

Even sleep was exhausting. I spent long, restless hours dreaming of horrible things, trapped in terrifying scenes that often felt like reality even after I woke up.

 I took to compulsively writing “Higher power give me peace” and “This is not my life” in my journal.

 By the end of the summer, I was suicidal. I scoped out the edge of bridges, fantasized about buying a gun and spent one long night eating through a bottle of painkillers. In November, I realized that I needed intensive help.  I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital, and began the difficult work of healing.

 Remembering that night, there lingers a haunting fear of the dangers that might still lie ahead. Yet that memory also brings pride. I am proud that I fought back.

 Certainly no woman can make a wrong choice when being attacked. She does what she can to survive. But it often seems that the only stories we hear are of women as victims. Even as children, we knew Little Red Riding Hood only escaped the wolf because the gallant woodsman came and saved her.

 When we returned home from Jamaica, almost everyone who heard the story commended my boyfriend for saving me. I still get angry about it.

 I refuse to lose my story to the power of a social narrative that says women are always victims. I saved myself from the big bad wolf. I am a victim, yes, but I am also my own hero.”

Her attacker, who is called Yuan, has not been brought to justice due to Jamaica’s complicated legal system. 

Cassidy's journaling after the incident

The obvious warning is know where you’re going.  Research where you’re staying.  Listen to the words of warning from locals, especially women.  Sleep with the doors and windows of y our villa locked.  Have something to defend yourself nearby, whether a large stick, a stun gun or a pepper spray, depending on the laws of the area you’re traveling to.  Travel with a buddy.  Have a check in person stateside who also has phone numbers to contacts with the U.S. Embassy and local police where you’re staying.  Check in at specific times and any time you might be off your itinerary.  If you’ll be off the beaten path, carry a satellite phone and GPS beacon.  Listen to intuition.  Something told her they shouldn’t stay.  Don’t wait on that feeling, act immediately.  

Intuition is one of the most important things we can use to save our lives.  There is a story of a woman who waited in the car while the driver, who left the car running, ran over to the ATM.  Suddenly she felt this overwhelming sense of fear and rushed to lock the doors, but it was too late.  What sparked her intuition?  A small bit of denim jeans moving too close and too fast to the car in the side view mirror that only her subconscious mind (the part in charge of the hair standing on the back of your neck) saw. 

Cassidy has acquired a large stuffed animal
collection since beginning to heal
from the attack.

Even with safety measures in place and staying at the most expensive and fancy resort in the world, things can happen.  This attack didn’t happen because they stayed in a seedy villa or didn’t have a weapon.  It happened because an attacker, who is always looking for an opportunity, was watching at the right moment.

Today’s Wonder Woman Wednesday goes to Veronica Cassidy, who in the blink of an eye chose to fight off her attacker, who wielded a machete while she was naked and defenseless.  Not only because she refused to be a victim and broke into action, but because she got help, rebuilt herself, and was born a survivor brave enough to tell her story so that others may gain knowledge from it.

“Remembering that night, there lingers a haunting fear of the dangers that might still lie ahead. Yet that memory also brings pride. I am proud that I fought back,” Cassidy said.

The U.S. Embassy says reports of violent crime and sexual assault against tourists is frequent in Jamaica and advises travelers to stay away from several areas on the island.  Always contact the U.S. Embassy to find out if there are travel restrictions or warnings in the area of travel before booking a trip.  Research the area thoroughly before travel.

Do you of someone you know have a story to tell?  If so, email sunshine@yourdamseldiva.com and you may be considered for a Wonder Woman Wednesday feature.  Wonder Woman Wednesday stories are of survival to help show victims that there is a light at the end of the darkness, that there is solace in healing, and that even the worst situations can be used for good.  

Wonder Woman Wednesday-faceless strength

Every time I teach women common sense self defense, one of the things I say most often is to fight back.  Fight back.  It’s better to die fighting at location A than to die on their terms with their plan in location B.  Fight back.  You are the only one responsible for your safety, so f.i.g.h.t.b.a.c.k.

I would like to introduce you to a young woman.  We do not have her name, just her story.

At 4 feet 8 inches tall and 80 pounds dripping wet, this 15-year-old is perfect for a quick nab and grab.  She entered the elevator in her building completely carefree.  Curtis Tucker followed her onto that elevator. 

Prosecutor Melissa Mourges explained the event:

 A grainy surveillance video shows the elevator stop at the girls floor, and then you could see her legs flailing as he threw her to the elevator floor which climbed to the top floor.  Tucker then dragged her out of the elevator and into the stairwell where the girl gave him all of the property she had, which included a student Metrocard and a one dollar bill.

Angered, Tucker punched her in the face because she wouldn’t stop screaming and choked her repeatedly, causing her to lose consciousness, but the girl kept fighting.  That’s what Curtis Tucker thought, but he got more than he bargained for.

Our young hero fought so fiercely that they tumbled down three flights of fire stairs.  Once at the bottom, Tucker pulled her pants down and tried to rape her, but she fought past him and ran to her apartment.

When she pounded on the door, her brother didn’t even recognize her at first.  She suffered a broken nose, black eyes, cuts and bruises to her entire body, and permanent disfigurement in the form of a torn lip that didn’t heal properly and is noticeable to this day.

At the crime scene, forensics analysts gathered clots of blood and clumps of hair as well as the Metrocard, a blood stain, and Tucker’s eyeglasses, which were used to piece together his DNA.

This terrible crime was unsolved for years until Tucker was picked up for an attack on a disabled 74-year-old in the same building.  He had to give a DNA sample, which led them to the attack on the teen years before.

Mourges told Manhattan Supreme Court Justice Renee White that the girl was too traumatized to appear for sentencing stating, “She never felt safe again in her building, in her elevator, in her home. She was escorted by family every time she left her apartment for years after this happened.  Every time she looks in the mirror, she sees a reminder of what this defendant did.” Mourges explained.

Tucker was sentenced to 15 years, a sentence he will begin when he completes his sentence for a robbery in 2014.

Because this nameless young woman suffered an attempted rape and signs of that attack remain on her body, her bravery to fight back saved her life.   Because of that, Wonder Woman Wednesday goes to this nameless young woman who could be any one of us or any one of our children.  May she find hope through her survival and use it to lead others out of the darkness.  May we spread awareness so high and low that attackers are afraid that all women will fight back.  May this young woman give you cause to do hard things to push back the darkness. 

If you or someone you know has a story to tell, please email sunshine@yourdamseldiva and it may be a Wonder Woman Wednesday feature.

New laws provide trafficking victims justice

This week, the U.S. House of Representatives has the opportunity to create even stronger laws to combat human trafficking and protect the victims with the passage of eight anti-trafficking bills. 

Five bills have already passed, including:

1. H.R.4980 - Preventing Sex Trafficking and Strengthening Families Act 
2. H.R.2283 - Human Trafficking Prioritization Act
3. H.R.5135 - Human Trafficking Prevention, Intervention, and Recovery Act of 2014 
4. H.R.5076 - Enhancing Services for Runaway and Homeless Victims of Youth Trafficking Act of 2014 
5. H.R.4449 - Human Trafficking Prevention Act 

Three more important pieces of legislation await votes:

1. H.R.5111 - To Improve the Response to Victims of Child Sex Trafficking 
2. H.R.5116 - Human Trafficking Detection Act of 2014 
3. H.R.5081 - Strengthening Child Welfare Response to Trafficking Act of 2014 

Each of these bills contains important provisions to strengthen the overall framework of anti-trafficking laws. Several of the bills recognize the critical role child welfare agencies play in preventing, identifying and responding to trafficking of children in foster care.  Others heighten the scrutiny on the agencies tasked with preventing and fighting trafficking in the U.S. and abroad. Members of Congress from across the nation, from South Dakota to Michigan, Nevada to New Jersey, and states in between are seeing the threat sex trafficking poses to people in their states and are taking action to stop it.

"Together, these eight bills work to provide trafficking victims with the greatest level of restoration and justice possible."-Congresswoman Linda Smith, President and Founder of Shared Hope International

Keep the advocacy strong!  Shared Hope International made great progress but we're not done yet! Please visit our Legislative Action Center for a complete listing of bills that need your support. You can also track pending legislation in your state with our online bill tracking.

Wonder Woman Wednesday-Woman stabbed over 40 times makes educating others her mission

Since the launch of Wonder Woman Wednesday on my Damsel in Defense blog, I have read, listened to, and watched some amazingly heroic stories.  All of them ripped my heart right out of my chest and lit it on fire, but this week, one took me by surprise. 

In 2005, Ilianexy Morales was a 33 year old beautiful woman with her entire life ahead of her.  She had recently broken it off with her boyfriend, and was moving on with her life.   One day, he showed up at her door saying he wanted to speak with her, and she let him in.  It never occurred to her that he came that day planning to kill her.

In a moment’s time, he pulled the knife from his sock and slashed her over 40 times all over her body.

“One day I was young, beautiful and healthy, then suddenly I was slashed everywhere, my face disfigured and my teeth were gone.  All because one person, who I’ve known for three years, felt he had the right to do this to me,” Morales explains, “I was stabbed and slashed over 40 times, all over my body, face, head, neck, breasts, stomach, arms, hands, legs and feet, and my teeth were shattered by the knife as well.”

After a miracle and three months in the hospital, half of which she spent in a medically induced coma, Morales survived the attack and has since had to endure more than 20 reconstructive surgeries.
 

What kept her hanging on?  She had a 6-year-old daughter and a bedridden mother who needed her.  Morales attribute them for keeping her strong.  She wasn’t going to leave her baby, and her mother, who heard the entire attack but couldn’t help, was not going to have that as her last memory of her child.

Saddened that she endured so much pain and disfiguration, Morales never let what happened to her get the best of her.  She used it to fuel her passion for helping others, and she never quit smiling.

Aryn Quinn, the founder of Beauty Cares, a non-profit organization dedicated to breaking the cycle of domestic abuse against teens, women and children brought Morales’ story to GLAM4GOOD.  Quinn nominated Morales for a day of Glam4Good pampering, stating, “Ilianexy embodies the founding spirit of Beauty Cares by taking something terrible which happened to her and turning it into an opportunity to empower others.  She’s strong, lovely, and generous with her talents and hard learned lessons.  Domestic violence shreds a woman’s spirit and I knew this GLAM4GOOD experience would be a celebration and powerful step to wholeness for Ilianexy.”

Morales explained that her boyfriend was never violent before that day, but was always extremely controlling, jealous, insecure, obsessive, and smothering.  He isolated her from her family and friends and followed her when she was in school or at the store.  She explained that he’d threatened to kill her then himself if she ever left, but she didn’t have a weak personality, and only submitted when death threats came into the picture.  Still, she believed he was generally good.

Morales’s ex-boyfriend was arrested at her apartment the night of the attack and sentenced to 15 years in prison.  He will be out in 2020.

Wonder Woman Wednesday this week goes to Ilianexy Morales, who was not only strong enough to survive, but strong enough to use her tragedy to help other women who might not otherwise know any better. 

Ilianexy Morales-Wonder Woman

“My message to women who are currently in abusive relationships is there is no excuse to stay in such a situation.  You deserve better, you deserve to be treated with respect and love,” she advises, “Seek therapy so others can help you understand that this is not the life you deserve.”

“To women in situations like mine, that have survived an attack and are hiding and ashamed and don’t know what to do, I want you to know that there is help out there for you,” she continues, “It first starts with acceptance; your scars, injuries, and everything else can be treated by amazing doctors that donate their time to help, but you are in control of what’s inside.”

When asked how she feels now, she will smile and tell you she is very lucky to be alive because, “There are women being killed every day by their partners.  I barely escaped with my life.  Do not let it get this far or worse; you must take action now for yourself and your children.”

Not only does Ilianexy Morales get the Wonder Woman Wednesday award this week, so do Beauty Cares and GLAM4GOOD for their mission to empower and educate women to live safer lives. 

They do hard things to build strong women, which falls directly in line with the mission of Damsel in Defense. 

If your partner threatens or physically abuses you, which includes pushing or shoving, there is no justification and it will only get worse.  Tell your family and call the national domestic abuse hotline immediately at 1-800-799-SAFE.

See Ilianexy's full story here.

If you or anyone you know needs help, reach out.  Do hard things.

Do you know of a Wonder Woman?  I'd like to hear from you.  Email me at sunshine@yourdamseldiva.com.

Beyond the gasp-the death of shame

When I look at the blessings in my life, there is one thing that seems to ring true about all of them:  They came from something hard.

This weekend was one of the biggest blessings I have ever encountered, and it was born from the hardest thing I have ever done.  You see, my life isn't all sunshine and rainbows.  Most of it has been Sunshine and survival.  Shame has been my arch nemesis.

Let me introduce you to Shame.  Shame is the meanest kid on the playground.  He’s the worst boss you've ever had, and trust me, some of you know I've had a pretty terrible boss.  Shame leads you down the wrong paths, laughs at you in your darkest moments, and tells you that if you tell on it, it will take you down.  Shame keeps us from growing, stops our brains from developing, and can leave us trembling in fear.  Shame is Satan’s right hand.

I have met Shame several times in my life.  As a matter of fact, Shame has stared me down in the stillness of the night after enduring something terrible and whispered into my ear enough times that it was all my fault that I believed it for a long time because I hung on every word Shame said to me.  Shame was my comfort blanket, my best friend, and the justification I had for stupid choices.

 

About a year ago, my church women’s group asked me to testify.  I was terrified.  No, terrified would be like finding out I was going on a dream vacation compared to how I felt.  There’s not a word that describes the horror.  For the first time, I had to put on paper all of the things I’d been hiding in this big invisible box on my back.  I cried and agonized over it for a month before I finally got it all out, and even then, there were things I left out because Shame held a gun to my head and told me that my sisters would never want to talk to me again if they knew….fill in the blank. 

I got it all down on paper, and I read it for time, because I had 45 minutes to speak….and I had to stop at three hours and wondered how in the heck I would cram it all in.  I cut out everything I possibly could and somehow got it to 50 minutes, and I went with it. 

That testimony was a train wreck.  I held the paper to my face and just read and cried, and one of my Christian sisters named Jean funneled clean tissue and held a garbage bag for my dirty ones.  I must have dropped 25 pounds of my DNA into that garbage bag.  When it was over, I wanted to run.  I was naked.  I was exposed.   I was sure everyone would just stare at me and leave.

Instead, women stopped me in the halls for weeks and thanked me for freeing them.  They called me things like brave and strong, courageous and inspiring.  I didn't feel those words.  I felt naked and alone, exposed and undone.  Shame still peeked at me from dark corners and called to me in my dreams.  One thing I didn't feel though was the weight from the box that I no longer packed around on my shoulders. 

After some weeks went by, I started to walk a little taller.  I began to realize that God chose me to be the person in this body in this life because he knew I would run with it.  He knew I would set a bonfire in the darkness and lead my people to freedom.  He knew I would wage war on Shame and stalk it like a lion stalks her prey.  He knew I would form an army of survivors who would light up the dark places so Shame had nowhere to hide.

A few months ago, I was asked to share a snippet of my story.  I did, because a snippet was much better than the whole thing, and when people read it, I can’t see them.  Perfect. 

Again, the messages of hope, light, and courage inspired me, but I still couldn't use those words for myself.

Then, a little more than a month ago, one of the Co-founders of Damsel in Defense, Mindy Lin, asked if I would speak at our national convention….but I could say no.

Left to right: Bethany Hughes, Mindy Lin
Co-Founders of Damsel in Defense

Let me tell you a little something about the Co-founders of Damsel in Defense.  Mindy and Bethany are brave, strong, courageous, beautiful, amazing, inspiring leaders.  They have done hard things.  They have gone to the Philippines to one of the worst red light districts in the world and have seen and done hard things.  They are so strong and inspiring that thousands of women have joined their mission, including me.  I could not be the one to tell them no, that I wasn't going to do hard things!  I had to say yes!

Again, I had to reframe my story to fit in a 5-7 minute time frame, and I couldn't get it to go under 9 minutes and 44 seconds.  I sent it off to Mindy and the response I got back shocked me.  She was so torn up, so moved, and her world was so rocked that I could take all the time I needed.  So I let the nearly ten minute testimony cool.  Shame was using every method of communication to try and convince me to change my mind, but I knew Mindy wouldn't have asked me if it wasn't relevant to the mission.  I leaned into God and He whispered in my ear that I am stronger than I think I am.  For the first time, I started to believe Him.

Then the weekend came.  I was in Boise, soaking in everything Damsel in Defense, falling more and more in love with the company, building relationships with amazing strong warriors, and Shame was peeking at me from every doorway, every corner, and every shadow.  I tried and tried to ignore him, but it was getting harder and harder.  Then testimony time came.

I watched three brave women take the stage and pour out their souls all over that crowd.  They were brave.  They were strong.  They were beautiful.  I felt like a toad.  I felt like I would get up there and croak out all of this ugliness, then we would all stand in line and jump off a cliff because we couldn't take hearing that much filth, darkness, and pain. 

My team, the Red Hots from left to right: Amber,
Sunshine(me) , Karin , Judi, and Kyla

My team rallied around me and told me I was brave, and strong, and beautiful, and courageous, and that I was about to change lives.  I didn't believe them.  I thought I was the weird kid in the corner.

Then my name was called, and I made my way up to that stage and said my first word into the microphone, proving that the moment was real. 

The first half of my testimony is hard.  It’s gut wrenchingly terribly hard, but every time I testify, there is this moment in my 12^th year of age that there is a gasp.  It is a gasp so deep that I literally feel the air being sucked from my lungs into everyone else’s.  In that gasp, I try to decide whether or not I can escape.  It may only be a three second moment of silence before I go on, but in those three seconds, I have come up with 25 routes of escape, envisioned myself throwing the microphone and running away, and come to a realization that if I stop now, there will be a mass suicide.  I cannot leave anyone holding that much pain inside of their lungs. I have to go on.  And I do, because I come to a realization that beyond the gasp is where the beauty in the breakdown of my life begins.  The story of Shame then becomes the story of me.  The story of an overcomer.  The story of a survivor.

After I was done, there was a moment while I waited for Mindy to come take that pesky microphone from me, and we hugged and I felt it….I felt the death of Shame. 

Over the next few hours, dozens of women were freed.  Shame was nowhere to be found.  Women broke into groups and shared their stories, some for the first time ever.  Many hugs, tears, and words were shared, bonds were formed, and warriors put down their heavy boxes and picked up their weapons.  We came to this conference afraid, shameful, terrified of ourselves, but knowing there was something larger.  We left strong, bold, brave warriors ready to lead others out of the darkness and into the light. 

We aren't just people who sell stun guns and pepper sprays.  We are bringers of the light, pushers of the darkness, and carriers of faith.

I know I'm going to be asked to share again again.  I know my work is not done.  I'm a little more comfortable in my own skin now, and I clearly understand my mission. 

If you’re ready to share your story of survival, you’re not alone.  We can help.  You can contact me directly at sunshine@yourdamseldiva.com.  Together we can make a difference.

Wonder Woman Wednesday-woman uses stun gun to stop attack

Wonder Woman Wednesday is reserved especially for women who have shown strength, courage, and didn't walk away from situations where most people would run, freeze, or not fight back. 

Today, we want to recognize Lisa Haecherl of Salem, Oregon. 

After a long day at work in February, 2014 at the Salem Center, Lisa headed to her car and had a strange feeling that she was being followed.  Suddenly, a man approached her and exposed himself.  This is the same area where 14 women had recently been groped, so Lisa was on high alert that a serial groper was on the loose. 

Without hesitation, Lisa set off her stun gun, and the man took off. 

You see, Lisa is one of the thousands of women who has realized that our safety is our responsibility, and not having something to protect yourself leaves you open for a successful attack.  It can be anyone, anywhere, any time, and she knew the importance of having a self-defense device, and because of that, the man couldn't carry his plan to fruition.

Most people don’t think about the progression of attackers.  They don’t wake up one day and go, “Wow, it’s Tuesday.  I’m totally going to rape somebody today.”  No.  They start with small things.  Instead, they begin with groping, flashing, cutting women’s hair on the bus, taking upskirt pictures, and other small things.  These are their practice behaviors, and soon enough the high they get from doing whatever they are doing to practice won’t be good enough, and they will move on.  By then, they have chosen the type of woman they like to attack, they have practiced and studied the reactions they get from these behaviors, and they progress their skills. 

If you were going to run a marathon, you would change everything you do, from your diet to your workout and gear.  Attackers do the same thing, and by the time they actually carry out a full on attack, they have strengthened the muscles it will take to subdue you, they have chosen their location B to take you to, they have a backup plan and that plan has a backup plan, and they have plenty of practice in the field. 

Unfortunately, the man who exposed himself to Lisa got away, but Lisa, who didn't hesitate to protect herself, is safe, and hopefully the flasher is early enough in his progression that he realized more and more women are carrying safety devices and will stop his behavior before it gets out of control.  

Lisa took a stand, and because of her situation, she is empowering other women in her circle to learn how to stay safer, and even though her stun gun isn't from Damsel in Defense, the point is that she has something to ward off attackers so she can stay safe.

Lisa is a Wonder Woman.

Do you know a Wonder Woman?  Email her story to sunshine@yourdamseldiva.com.