What the heck happened to my business plan?

I am the first one to tell people that in order to make God laugh, all you need to do is tell him your plans.  It's all fun and games until it's my plan that gets smashed to pieces.

I had a bullet proof business plan.  For two months I have been busting my tail to attain it, taking trainings, putting processes into place, and making sure to reach out to 5 new contacts every day.  My calendar was FILLED, I was all signed up for our Destination Diamond program, and I was going to be a director by October.

That was my plan.  The math was there, the formula was working, and my team had a record breaking month in August.  Not to mention, Damsel in Defense released the September special.....$99 to join?  Holy canoli!!!! I jumped right into the month with gazelle intensity that would have made Dave Ramsey blush!

At the same time, I was undergoing a series of tests because my body was a little out of whack.  Okay, by a little out of whack, I mean if I was a golf ball getting whacked by Happy Gilmore, that would be the out of whack my body was being.

Still, a little thyroid medication here, a month of water pills there, some blood work, and some invasive tests were NOT going to stop my road to director.

Then, one beautiful morning, I got the call.  It was my doctor's assistant telling me that my doctor wanted me to come in right away to discuss some test results.

My heart stopped.  "Can you just tell me over the phone?" I asked.  No.  No, she couldn't.  My doctor will only go over these results in person.

Well that's it, isn't it.  I'm dying.

Through a series of miracles and child care clients who are more like family than clients, parents showed up out of the woodwork to get their kiddos so that my husband could go be with me to hear my sentence.

The doctor's office was somber.  Everyone spoke to me in a lower and more careful tone.  I was checked in, and sitting in a room full of future mommies waiting to see their babies on ultrasound or to find out how they were progressing.  I was waiting to find out what the rest of my life was going to look like.  It was like driving through darkness with no headlights.

Finally, we were called back.  Uncomfortably, we shared very few words as we waited for the doctor.  An eternity passed, and every movement I made was emphasized by the deafening sound of the paper underneath me.   My heart pounded in my chest, and I struggled not to run away.

Then she came in and told me the news.  I had cancer, however there was a good chance she got it all.

Wait....
what?...
I have what?...
Did you say......?

She kept talking, but I am sure I stuck my head under water, because that's what it sounded like...distorted echoes of her voice answering my husband's questions.

There was no prognosis, just a referral to an oncologist....an.....oncologist.....

My oncologist.  The one who would be treating my cancer.

There's that word again.

Wait, I don't have cancer.  Didn't she say she got it all?  Why do I need an oncologist?

The next week was a mixture of hyperventilating, crying, numbness, and not knowing what to say when people had questions.

What stage is it?
What is the prognosis?
What do you need?

I need this to go AWAY because I have a BUSINESS to run!!!!

Next I met with my oncologist, who told me again that I had cancer, and I would be having surgery that will knock me out for 6-12 weeks.

What?

Director is slipping from my fingertips again.......

Then it hit me...oh yeah, my plan isn't always the plan I get to have.

Sometimes you have to put yourself in check and remember that you're not in control.

Has it slowed my business?

Yes.

I have been taking more time with my babies, snuggling my husband, taking care of myself, and preparing for the long winter ahead.  Am I still working?  Heck yes, but my balance has changed.  Director will be there when it's time to be there.  Until then, I'm going to be focusing on the things I can control.

My prognosis is good.  I will be having a radical hysterectomy with a small possibility of radiation.

Cloudy with a chance of radioactive meatballs.....

I am staying positive.  I have come to terms with the phrase, "I have cancer".  I can say it without crying my face off.  I can say that I need prayers, encouragement, and support.

My business plan will be modified, and I will take the time I need to heal, but I'm not going to give up or let this stop me from my goals.  That is the beauty of a business like Damsel in Defense, you can work it around your needs instead of having to work around a boss and an unreal work schedule.  I don't know what I would do if it wasn't for the flexibility of this business.

I will say one thing.  I would be lost in my business if I didn't have a business plan in place.  I may be modifying it, but I still have clear goals and actions in place.

Today I have decided that it's not my business plan.  It's God's business plan, and I'm going to work with what he gives me.

I have been waiting to talk about Orlando-Dropping rocks

I wasn't sure when inspiration was going to come to me because it always happens organically.  There it was today, like a Mac truck barreling right towards me, so here I am, pouring it all out to you, my faithful audience. 

 I have a friend who happens to be part of the LGBTQ community. He is one of the most uplifting people I know, but today he is struggling. Every Wednesday he prints out inspirational quotes and hands them out to his clients in the place where he works. He always has the ability to see the good in everything and fights for causes that are good and just. He is kind, even when he faces adversity. He is the type of person people want to know because he makes you feel important.

Today he is struggling. There are no inspirational quotes. There are no cards. Inspiration has bled out of him because of the ugliness people have been showing each other in the days after the Orlando tragedy.  It's not bad enough that a terrible human who's name I will never say, took the lives of all those beautiful people. The aftermath has been downright painful.  

My heart aches and I still cry every time I think about it. Every cell in my body weeps for the families of those who were lost and the ones who were left behind. I ache for the terror each of those people experienced in their last breaths. 

I have been waiting for my emotions to come back to reality so that when I put my thoughts on the Orlando tragedy into the world, it's not an angry garbled mess of emotions. I don't want to bleed out on my audience, I want us to start having educated dialogue. No, I want us to start having enlightened dialogue. 

The most important thing  I can say is that we are the only thing that is going to make a change. The way we live our lives and the way our light shines from within us is the only thing that will change the view of people around us. The grace we show when someone makes an ignorant comment is important.

My favorite dramatist in the entire world is a Christian woman named Nicole Johnson. Many times when I find myself struggling, I look to her work to help me make sense of it. In one of her skits, she talks about a woman, who in the eyes of the community has committed a sin.  This woman, in ancient times, was found to be guilty of her sins and was to be stoned to death outside the city. They took her out, picked up their stones. That's how things were dealt with in her place and time. No one stood for her, no one vouched for her, but they all picked up rocks to hurl at her. Being stoned to death is not a very good way to go.  It's slow and takes some time before the person being stoned takes their last breath.  You'd be surprised how much trauma a person can live through, and blood was going to be spilled on the ground that day.  Everyone stood ready with cold hard rough rocks heavy against the palms of their hands. Without a word, Jesus stepped forward and wrote something in the sand.  Everyone dropped their rocks and walked away. No one will ever know what he wrote or why it changed the minds of those people, but whatever it said changed them forever. They weren't changed with harsh words or violence. Just something written in the sand.

Johnson goes on to say that it's easy to see things as black and white until they have a face and eyes. It's easy to vilify an entire community for who they are until it's your son, or your daughter staring back with pleading eyes as you feel that heavy rock in your hand. Then it's not so easy to hurl stones at them. It shouldn't have to take that much of a connection, but in the minds and eyes of most people, change doesn't happen without some sort of connection. I wish the human connection was enough. The overall point of the skit is to get people to drop their rocks and walk away. Hear them hit the ground and let that sound solidify your decision not to throw stones.

I wish that everyone could just drop their stones.

My Damsel sisters and I, and...well Damsel in Defense as a whole really, has been talking a lot about adversity this year.  It seems to be the theme of everything we do.  We're fighting against it every single day.  What is happening right now in the wake of the Orlando tragedy is adversity.  I have watched helplessly as people who called each other friends have fought to the breaking point and chosen to walk away from each other forever.  I've watched houses divide and have read and heard the most ugly things that can come from otherwise good humans.  I watched complete strangers attack my own daughter's words without even knowing that she is one of the most caring and respectful humans in the world who would fight for each of those people so they could live a happy, healthy, and safe life.  My heart breaks with everyone who continues to lose friends, family members, and a piece of themselves in the turbulence left behind by a tragedy.    

Enough is enough.

A very good friend once told me that when we face adversity, we have to sit in it. We have to sit in it and endure it and be the light that shines within it because we know that whatever comes after it is going to change the world.  The world will never change if we're angry and hurtful towards those who are angry and hurtful towards us. The only thing anger and hate breeds is further adversity.

Every change starts with one person who sends a ripple out into the world. If each person that ripple hits is inspired and enlightened, the ripple continues to grow. If the ripple hits them like a sneaker wave and drags them into the dark cold murky water, it ends and becomes a black hole of fear that no one is willing to go near.  Fear breeds more fear and eventually turns to hate.  

I don't say all of this just because I am a LGBTQ mom who would fight and die for the ability of her children to live a life that is happy, healthy, and safe.  I don't say this because I follow Christ (who would be pretty ashamed of what he's seeing by the way).  I say this because enough is enough.  It's time to drop your rocks.  

Why?  They are heavy, they hurt, and there is enough adversity in the world.  We should come together instead of ripping each other apart like a pack of wild dogs.  If you can't agree, agree to disagree and still love one another.  

Instead of breathing  hate into the people around us, let's breathe inspiration instead, that way no one we love will be left in a colorless empty place.  

Let love explode.  

Motivation Monday-Top 5 things you need to be a leader

Being a leader isn't something that always comes naturally, and even for natural leaders, there are five skills you should master.

1. Be approachable-You can't think of yourself as better than even the newest person on your team.  Remember when you didn't know what you were doing and you asked a million questions?  Your team leader hopefully answered them gracefully and patiently.  It's time to return the favor.  Return messages, phone calls, and emails from your team. 
2. Walk the talk- If you're not practicing what you preach, your team will see that, it they will find it acceptable.  If you're going to talk the talk, be ready to walk the walk because the biggest success comes from your team duplicating a good program set forth by you.  All of your future team leaders beneath you will start out by following in your footsteps.  What path are you showing them?
3. Be an example-If you want to set a professional example for your team, be professional.  You can only set expectations by being a good example and leading your team by your actions and behavior.  
4. Always be teaching- Use every opportunity you can to teach and motivate your team.  
5. Honesty- If your'e not honest, you build your foundation on falsification.  Honesty and transparency are qualities that every good leader has.  If you don't want to be honest, go into politics.  Your team needs you to share your struggles and your successes.  Sharing your struggles after you've learned from them can help clear debris out of the path of your team.  

Remember, you're a trail blazer.  You are showing your team the way to the top.  Being a leader is a responsibility, not a right.  

XOXO

The Stun Gun Girl

One of the most comprehensive consultants you can learn from

When it comes to direct sales coaches and trainers, they are a dime-a-dozen.  They all have books, audio books, dvd sets, and a master plan that promises big payout.

There are only a few that are the real deal, and Sarah Robbins is one of those few.

One of the things I love the most about her training is that she gets real with you.  When someone can not only share the secrets of their success, but also the depths of their failures and struggles, it becomes more realistic.  They are human and I am human too.  That's the most important connection right there.

You can relate to her story in so many ways, and once you've made that human connection, the realization that if she can do it, you can do it too becomes very real.

You can learn more about her at SarahRobbins.com

If you have ever had the opportunity to listen to any training by Sarah Robbins, you know how exciting this is.  If you haven't, you definitely should.  Damsel in Defense was lucky enough to recently have a training call with Sarah, and it reignited something in my business that I didn't even know had burned out.  Now I'm rockin' and rollin', and I'll see you at the top!

XOXO,
The Stun Gun Girl

I'm breaking my blog silence on the Duggar family molestation victim blaming fail

I haven't blogged about the Duggar molestation scandal because one, it makes me sick, and two, I wanted more of the story to unfold.  Everyone in the blogsphere hit the keys with happy hatred beating in their hearts, excited to take down a family that they knew couldn't be as perfect as it seemed to be.  I am not a piranha and refuse to hit the keys just because there’s blood in the water, however, I am a great white shark, and there is victim blaming on a surf board just above me.

I’ve been in several debates with people since the news broke about what the difference between molestation and exploration.  Exploration happens in childhood.  You've probably been curious about your body at some point and checked out a trusted friend’s body just to see what it looks like.  Exploration is entered into mutually by two children usually of the same sex and who are the same age and size.  There is never coercion or deception by one, and most times it’s just to see what parts of their body look like from a different view.  Children who are caught in exploratory play are often giggling because they feel it’s silly.  Child molestation happens when a person becomes sexually aroused by a child who is much smaller and younger than them.  Deception, such as touching during sleep or using coercion to perform or get away with sex acts on a child is child molestation.

In this case, the victims were more than 5 years younger, in a completely different age group, there was coercion and deception.  It seems cut and dry.  The Incest Survivors Resource Network states that "the erotic use of a child, whether physically or emotionally, is sexual exploitation in the fullest meaning of the term, even if no bodily contact is ever made."  It’s very important to remember that no touching has to ever occur for the damage to be done.  Even exposing one’s self or looking at a child who has been talked into taking their own clothes off for sexual gratification is sexual abuse.

Forget the abuser, let’s stop talking about how he was just a boy who needed therapy.  We have established that he meets both legal and psychological criteria to be considered a predatory sex offender. 

What about the girls?  And I’m not talking about who they are, where they live, and what they look like.  I’m talking about the fact that no one cared enough to protect the girls beyond counselling. 

When a girl is molested, several things happen from a psychological and medical standpoint.  A sacred barrier has been breached.   Psychologically, when a young girl is molested, there is an instant brand of shame put right on her heart.  It can take years to go away, and sometimes it never does, especially when the information is suppressed.  It’s not something that a short stint of counselling can fix.  PTSD, depression, anxiety, insomnia, weight issues, and even issues within the reproductive parts of the body can stem from even one time of child sexual abuse.  When a child is molested and the information is suppressed, it deepens the shame in that child and will take root and grow as that child enters adulthood.  Children who are sexually abused at a young age can always struggle with what box to put sex into.   They will often be either overly sexual or have no sexual desire.  This can cause relationship problems and even divorce as an adult.   Drug and alcohol use often becomes a factor as well.  According to the AAETS,  “specialists in the addiction field (alcohol, drugs and eating disorders) estimate that up to 90 percent of their patients have a known history of some form of abuse.   Children who have been sexually abused are at higher risk to be groomed for sex trafficking and working in the adult entertainment business. 

When a girl’s heart has been affected by sexual abuse as a child, she looks to her champions to come to her rescue.  In this case, the champions in question suppressed the information and created a familial culture that it’s not that big of a deal.  When children, especially young girls have to grow up in this victim blaming culture within the family, being faced with their abuser every day and watching him get away without any real consequence, it deepens the chasm of shame, opens up the risk of it happening again and again as they head into adulthood, and never re-solidifies that barrier.  This is why women who have been abused often times end up with men who abuse.  That barrier that would send someone else running for the hills appears familiar and safe to a girl who has experienced the same barrier breach as a child, even if the woman doesn't understand why, therefore repeating the cycle of abuse.  

This chasm of shame can hold adults back from ever reaching their full potential.  In some cases, everything can seem fine until one day in her mid-30’s, Suzie Q has a psychological breakdown and doesn’t understand why.  The long term effects of sexual abuse are staggering, even in girls who have received counselling as a child.  It’s an epidemic that will not ever go away until people start standing up and saying, “We will not condone this anymore!”

Parents, protect your children.  Mandatory reporters, PLEASE REPORT!  IT’S MANDATORY!!!  Even if it feels like life will be really hard once you do.  This story proves that if you don’t, life will be even harder.

So, while I watch mortified as the only conversations people are having are out of anger that the girls have been victimized by this story coming out, I want to leave you with this.  They were already victimized.  No one cared to be outraged then.  Nobody who was supposed to protect them did.  A piece of their soul is forever missing, and they are just supposed to be okay with it.  The more the conversation minimalizes the actual event in their lives by diverting the outrage to other avenues, it creates this new feeling that

what happened was really no big deal.  THIS FURTHERS THE VICTIM BLAMING RAPE CULTURE WE LIVE IN TODAY and will continue to leave victims blaming themselves for something that maybe should be no big deal.  It will continue to stop victims from speaking up because they believe no one will do anything to help them, which will leave them to be victimized over and over again in their lives.  The trauma isn’t that this came out now, it’s that no one did anything in the first place. 

Abuse is always a big deal.  Coercion and deception are the path to abuse.  Always report it.  Be part of the movement to stop the cycle and hold people accountable for their actions.

Let me ask you this.  If a 15 year old kid shot your child in cold blood, would you not want them to be treated and tried as an adult?  Why is sexual abuse any different? 

In Plain Sight opened my eyes wide to sex trafficking in the United States

Today has been a day of contemplation.  One quote from If I Stay, one of my very favorite books in the whole world, keeps bouncing around in my head like a computer screensaver:

“Sometimes you make choices in life and sometimes choices make you.”

Nothing could be farther from the truth for me.  For the first half of my life, I was sure everything was happening to me because I was cursed, or God hated me.  Then there came a time where I grew an adult brain and realized that there are illnesses, patterns, and unbroken chains of learned behavior that take root deep in the heart of families.  In the last 2 years I have really begun to heal from the trauma of my early life and realize that whether I liked it or not, a choice made me.

When I listen to the stories of some of these girls who survived sex trafficking, sexual assault, sexual abuse, and other traumas in their lives, I find parts of my story in their story.  It never really clicked for me until after hearing me speak, several women would corner me in tears and hug the breath out of me and whisper in my ear, “Thank you.  You just told my story."

Then it hit me.  How many of us are there?  How many of us are still trapped in bondage, fear, shame, and self-hate?  How many of us are trapped in terrible situations because we blame ourselves for what happened to us?  Something welled up inside of me until it seemed that every cell in my body would come undone.

Sometimes choices make you.

At first, I tried to avoid it like Jonah, only there wasn't a whale to swallow me up.  No matter what I did, every door I opened led to the same situation, and it all ended the same way.  I needed to use my life to help others.  I needed to share my story because someone out there needs to hear it.  They need the spark of light in their lives to set them on fire for change.  This is how we break the cycle.  This is how we cure poisoned families.  There is a cure for the poison that eats us from the inside.  The cure is us.

Last night, I was able to go with some of my Damsel sisters to see In Plain Sight, a movie about the reality of sex trafficking in America at Compassion First's screening and experience exhibit.  It’s something that is swept under the rug, but it happens every single day in every single town in every single corner of the world.  It’s happening in your town, maybe even your neighborhood.  There is one common denominator through every story I have heard from someone who was coerced into sex trafficking.  They were all sexually abused in one way, shape, or form long before they were ever sold for sex.

The scope of my life hit me a little hard last night.  As I watched these girls talk about their experiences, falling in love with the wrong guy, being coerced by a pimp, and learning that a runaway is more than likely approached by a trafficker in the first 48 hours of running away, I was floored.  There was a moment I felt like I was trapped in a twisted version of 'It's a Wonderful Life' watching what could have been had I not been sent away when I was.  I dodged that bullet by less than a hair.  I was rescued the very day that hell would have begun for me.  I was saved within a couple of hours of my departure into this life.  I was so tired, so done with being abused that I was willing to leave my family for the life I thought I was trained for.  I gave up, but God had different plans for me.  I was saved.  So many aren't.  Why was I spared when so many other girls are not so lucky?

Compassion first showcased a screening of In Plain Sight along
with an exhibit showing the realities
of sex trafficking.

Trauma continued in my life, but it went a different direction than being sold for money.  I wasn't supposed to go that direction because I know in my heart I wouldn't have survived it, and God had bigger plans for me.  So many times I can clearly see how His hand were working in my life, from the dozens of times he saved me as a child and young adult to the times he placed the same choice in front of me through every door, no matter how I tried to hide from myself.

Sometimes choices make you.

I don’t know what is in store for my in 2015, but I know it is coming.  My emotions are too heightened and raw to see clearly thought the pain and sadness I feel about what I learned last night.  I want to set the world on fire and shake everyone until they wake up and see what is happening to these children.  100,000 children are sold for sex every year.  Not in Cambodia or Indonesia, not in a third world country.  Right here in the United States of America.  Our children.  This has got to stop.

Mothers selling their children for pickup trucks, letting drug dealers molest their daughters for drugs, men paying to perform sex acts with little girls and boys, it has got to end.  You can’t close your eyes to it.  You can’t ignore it.  I won’t let you.

I don’t need to know today what the future holds for me in the fight against children sold into trafficking.  I know these beautiful starfish are all stranded on the beach withering away in the baking sun, and I can’t save them all, but I know there is a plan, and God will let me see it clearly when it is time.

What I need to know is are you with me?

If you want to know more about what my team is doing to help in the fight against sex trafficking in our back yards, please email me at Sunshine@YourDamselDiva.com

Let the holiday begin with Damsel in Defense's Black Friday and Cyber Monday sale

I believe that every woman on your Christmas list should receive a stun gun for Christmas, but I'm equally passionate about every child having access to a personal alarm.  They are great for those times when you're at the store and they want to go to the bathroom by themselves, for when they walk to and from school, when you're camping and you want to make sure they have a loud noise in case they get lost, and a million other scenarios that having a personal alarm could save their life.

Damsel in Defense has released their Black Friday/Cyber Monday sale early just because we want you to start thinking about doing something a little different this year.  Instead of supporting a big box store, please support local business owners and keep your money in your local economy.  Instead of giving lotions and potions, please consider giving a gift that could save a life.

You can purchase this excellent deal at http://yourdamseldiva.com, click on SHOP, and find the Black Friday Special on the left hand side!

Wonder Woman Wednesday-When the victim becomes the attacker

This week's Wonder Woman Wednesday story threw me off guard.  As an educator who helps women lead safe and appropriate lives, I am always quick to push against victim blaming and giving women stronger rights.  What if that woman in a moment of self defense finds that she has no rights?  What happens to the victims when they become accused of the attack?  What can we do to help?  How do I not know this is happening in my own home state?

Delphine Criscenzo was just that.  A woman who fought for her life and the life of her children and in return, went to prison for more than a decade.  Her story will inspire you to take action, and during Domestic Violence Awareness Month, we should all be taking action.

Delphine Criscenzo, your tragedy and bravery is outstanding, and you are leading a fight for change that will save others in the future.





 If you are ready to share your story and help us in #fightingback against abuse towards women, email sunshine@yourdamseldiva.com.