Friday, October 17, 2014

From fear to elation at the journey ahead

As I stand on the edge of the busiest part of my year, I take a deep breath and try to envision what brought me to this moment. So many things hit me that I feel like I might fall right off the cliffs of time and plummet into the pit of eternity never to be seen again.

Usually, I hold back, keeping everything inside nice and tidy.  I try to understand the moment I’m in, but today, the landscape of my life is too vast and overwhelming, rolling out in front of me all the way to  the event horizon.  I blink crystalline tears from my eyes and peer over the edge where before there would have been nothing but the black inky abyss of the unknown.  This is the moment when I would normally run from the edge of the darkness because the unknown is too terrifying for a mind like mine.  I fill the black hole with my own thoughts of terror and tragedy, sure that every single horrific vision is in my immediate future, and then I pull the hood over my head and disappear. 
Not this time.

As the events of the past year fly through my mind’s eye with lightning speed, they flood my overfilled heart and pour right into the cavernous unknown future where they explode, filling all that exists around me with light.  Instead of envisioning nuclear war and watching terrorists chop off the heads of my children, I see color…beautiful dancing musical color brighter and filled with more depth than the most magnificent Aurora Borealis ever witnessed by eyes before.  Fear has turned to love and uneasiness has become courage.

I have no idea what is behind the magnificent veil of light before me.  I’m sure there will be good and bad, success and failure because that is the process of life.  This time around, I also feel a complete sense of fulfillment.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel like I’ve completed my journey, not by a long shot.  Instead, I feel like I am finally ready for what is to come even if it is terrifying.  I am a much more complete person, even if I’m held together only by love and butterfly wings.  I’m no longer afraid of setting goals out of fear that I will fail.  Instead, I’m content to set goals and work towards them and be alright with the outcome, even if it’s not what I thought it should be. 

I feel as if I've settled into my own soul.

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