Dear Mr. Turner, A letter of response

Dear Mr. Turner,

I have read the letter that you wrote the judge pleading that your son’s punishment for rape is too harsh.  After all, he’s not a violent person, he has a great smile, and he likes steak.

First, I am very sorry that your son’s life has been forever changed by his actions.  Let me repeat, his actions.  All actions have a consequence sir, both good and bad, and when you break the law you have to face the music.  I’m sorry he is struggling with anxiety and doesn’t like his favorite foods any longer.  I’m sorry that his choice to rape an unconscious woman for his “20 minutes of action” has caused him stress, and has caused you to throw a fit like a pompous little baby.

Let me ask you a question?  Where is your concern for the victim in this case?  

Does he barely consume food except to exist because his punishment is too harsh, or do you think that he is ashamed of his actions?  Are you ashamed of his actions?  Should we pat him on the back for what he’s done, or should we finally draw a line in the sand and say rape is rape.  Would you be writing the same note if a man raped your unconscious son?  After all, it’s just 20 minutes of action.  What if it was your wife?

Yes, his life is forever changed, as it should be.  He should have been given boundaries and values from day 1 and been taught that he’s not worth more than anyone else, and to treat humans with the same respect and dignity he would want to be treated with. 

Where did he learn that it was okay to take what he wanted from another person without thinking about the effects on them sir?

Let me tell you what changes for a sexual assault victim:

Embarrassment is the first thing that grips you, and it grips your heart tight.  Fear of having to say that you weren’t strong enough or smart enough to fend off an attack isn’t far behind.  Fear of retaliation, fear of being made a fool in the court room by being asked what you were wearing, how much you had to drink, or the famous, “Are you sure you didn’t at least nod your head a little?”

Next comes mental illness.  Mental illness affects every aspect of your entire life.  Anxiety and depression take over you like a bird in an oil spill.  Why?  Because the one thing you were supposed to choose who you shared with has been taken. 

Have you ever been forced into something that you couldn’t stop, sir?

Fear of disease or pregnancy intertwine with the aching pit in your stomach that never goes away because you know that YOU will be left with the consequences of what to do if rape has created another human.  YOU will have to face the hard choices and live with the aftermath of them.  You either terminate and deal with the stigma of abortion, give the child up because you aren’t sure you can handle it, or you bring a life into this world unprepared, unplanned, and painfully real.

What would you choose, sir?

Then there’s picking gravel out of your back as the blood runs down your body turning the shower water a disgusting shade of pinkish red while your face aches from the cut in your lip.  Under the hottest possible water, you try to scrub off the smell of his breath that will never go away and will haunt your dreams for the rest of your life, and the deepest sadness overcomes you as you drop to the ground and sob until you realize the water is ice cold.

You feel so stupid. 

His laugh.  His hands.  His words.  His grunts.  The smell.  The pushing.  The pain.  The mess. Being alone.  Being unsafe.  Those will.never.go.away.  Forever there will be triggers that take you right back to that moment you realized there was no amount of fighting that would change what was going to happen.  That moment when you realized that fighting back would only make things more bloody because we live in such a rape culture that we were never taught to fight back and fight back dirty. 

Hate.  Hating your rapist, hating yourself, hating everyone around you for not understanding, and the cold vulnerability of the emergency room as a doctor with no victim specific language tries his best to take a rape kit without scaring you or making you feel worse than you already do.

Pitty.  Pathetic pitty from everyone who finds out.  Hearing, “I’m sorry.” Over and over again because nobody knows what else to say when they realize what happened.

Loss of the relationship you were in because they aren’t equipped to help you navigate through the chasm of trauma.  The people you love drift away because you’re too ashamed to continue, or you push them away because you can’t handle the burden you place on them.

PTSD from rape lasts forever.  You try anything to get rid of the memories, but they will always remain.  Every time you look at your forever changed face and that scar on your lip.  Even though it healed pretty well, it’s always there, along with the scars in your back constantly reminding you of the scars on your soul.

Then comes the worthlessness.  How can anyone want me after that?  I’m damaged.  Labels like soiled, dirty, disgusting, worthless, and whore swirl around you.  The uncontrollable crying never stops, so you quit going places because you’re tired of coming up with excuses. 

Food?  Forget food.  Or maybe don’t, maybe eat so much that you gain a ton of weight so no one will ever see you as attractive again.  Oh God, what have you done?  Throw that up.  And you do.

Sleep?  Forget sleep.  Forget anything that makes you feel like you might not have control, and there is nothing like a little sleep paralysis to take away your control.

When you feel like there is no one left, you just want it to end.  You spend days just staring into nothing while it eats away at your heart.

Years of therapy just prove to you that you’re not ever going to be okay, and you believe it.  Because of this belief,  you continue to find yourself in sticky situations and the spiral goes nowhere but down into a series of bad choices and dangerous situations.  You begin over time to believe that it is your lot in life to be surrounded by people who hurt you.

All of this combined is called shame.  Shame and guilt stop you in your tracks.  They stop you from living.  They keep you sitting in your adversity.  

I know, first hand because this is me.  My scars are both visible and invisible.  I am reminded every day when I look in the mirror and every night when the lights go off.

So no, Mr. Turner, when your son decided to stick part of his body into an unconscious girl, he has to live with the consequences, and as far as I’m concerned, rapists get off way too easy because what they steal from their victims is far worse than a little jail time and having to register as a sex offender. 

I hope that your son sees how big his mistake was, and I hope he uses this as an opportunity to create awareness and help end the rape culture we currently have to survive in every day. 

Fortunately for me, I have healed.  Not completely, because my soul will never be the same, but I know I’ll be okay.  The career I have chosen as a Damsel in Defense Pro gives voices back to the people they’ve been stolen from and teaches women to fight.

Your son is lucky though.  He’s lucky he didn’t try to attack one of my students.  He would call for the police to take him away on his own had it been one of the Sisters of the Phoenix.

Maybe you should take a census of your own stock Mr. Turner.  Had it been my son, he would have begged for jail, because I don’t raise my children with so much self-entitlement that they can hurt another person.  I raise them with a warrior mindset to fight for themselves and those around them, and to stand up against people like your son.

Have a nice day Mr. Turner.  I know none of this matters to you, but to a Phoenix, it matters a lot.  If you're not sure what a Phoenix is, you should look it up.  We rise from the ashes of our old lives every day, and it is our mission to shine light into the darkness until rape becomes a thing of the past.  You can help us end this victim blaming rape culture, or you can put your face against us.  The choice is yours.  Good day, sir.

Sincerely,

Sunshine O’Connor

Independent Damsel in Defense Pro

yourdamseliva.com

Wonder Woman Wednesday-The Thursday edition

Due to computer malfunction, this article wouldn't post yesterday.  We're going to try again!

27-year- old mother-of-two, Brooke Beaton, was just a girl who worked at Chevys Fresh Mex and planned to start taking classes on at the University Center when she found herself driving her car with her boyfriend - who has not been named - in the passenger seat.

After he became angry, he punched her in the face, struck her again, choked her and tried to take away her phone, she said.

'I ended up at a gas station about five miles away from where we were,' Beaton told the Argus Leader. 'He was wiping up the crime scene with a paper towel from the gas pump.'

Beaton said her blood was spattered on the ground and all over her cell phone.

Her attacker eventually let her take him to his home and she drove away to her own house.

Once she arrived home she called the police and a sheriff's deputy. The next day she called her good friend Tiffany Thoelke, a freelance photographer, and planned a photo shoot.

Beaton, who had modeled before decided that her assault would be the perfect platform to raise awareness of domestic violence and how suddenly it can happen. 

Her boyfriend, who she had been dating for 4 months but had been friends with for 8 years was arrested for domestic aggravated assault and interference with emergency communication because he stopped her from calling for help. 

Since Brooke posted the photos on her social media, the outpouring of support and stories of other survivors have poured in.

Her cool head got her out of a terrible situation, and her bravery allowed her to pick up the phone.  Her extraordinary courage brought her in front of a camera unafraid to show the damage that had been done so that people would notice domestic violence happens everywhere and can happen to anyone.  Because of her strength, Brooke Beaton is this week’s Wonder Woman.

Learn more about Wonder Women or submit your story to Sunshine@YourDamselDiva.com.

Wonder Women....may we know them, may we be them, may we raise them.

XOXO,

The Stun Gun Girl

Wonder Woman Wednesday-Busting the myths of domestic violence

Everyone has been talking about the murder of Nikki Elias, who was shot to death by her ex-husband, who later shot himself after taking their children from Nikki’s Portland home. 

This week for Wonder Woman Wednesday, I want to talk about domestic violence.

Judge Amy Holmes Hehn, who was the judge in the Elias’ case wrote an editorial for the Oregonian talking about the case and the issue.  If you've ever followed a case like this you will see several similarities.

• Everyone knows there’s a problem
• Restraining and stalking orders are in place
• The court is involved
• In the end, the more an abusive narcissist loses, the more likely he is to kill his victim

All of these things were in place in the Elias’ case. 

Judge Amy Holmes Hehn

Hehn wrote this editorial in order to shatter the myths about domestic violence.  You can find the entire article here.  It happens too often.  To many people do nothing. 

Gavin De Becker, the author of The Gift of Fear, and world renowned expert wrote, “In (sad) fact, if a full jumbo jet crashed into a mountain killing everyone on board, and if that happened every month, month in and month out, the number of people killed still wouldn't equal the number of women murdered by their husbands and boyfriends each year.”

Wrap your brain around that for a little bit.  I can spout off Domestic violence statistics all day long, but they will never amount to the above statement. 

Recently, two of the girls on my team and I were out at a movie.  We left the movie and saw a man beating up his girl in the parking lot.  Dozens….DOZENS of people walked by and did nothing, not even looking at the man who was choking this woman up against a car.  Nobody did anything as she screamed when she wriggled free.  Nobody, until the three girls dressed like zombies (it was almost Halloween) jumped into action pulling out stun guns and pepper spray.  The fear on that man’s face was pretty darn amazing as he saw three bloody flesh eaters coming for him.  We were the only ones who did anything.

In her article, Holmes calls out the men of the world to start holding each other accountable.   If you see something, say something.

She also breeches the questions, ‘why does she stay’ and, ‘why does she go back’ and ‘why doesn't she just leave?’.  As a survivor, I can say that you will never understand unless you've been abused, but just asking that question feeds victim blaming.  It takes the focus off of the abuser and puts it on the victim.  The problem isn't with her.  Many abuse victims are very successful, intelligent, amazing people who get into a relationship with a person who slowly changes them, taking away their confidence, their zest for life, and their ability to think for themselves.  A domestic violence victim is always trapped in survival mode.  

If we were to look at Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, the first one is physiological.  This is survival mode, where you’re just worried about food, water, shelter, and warmth.  The next level is safety, and an abuse survivor never feels safe, so they can never progress past the physiological level.  Above safety comes belonging and love for your friends, family, spouse or lover.  Above that is self-esteem, where we achieve recognition and respect for the mastery of our skills.  The top of the pyramid is self-actualization, where we pursue inner talent and have creativity and fulfillment.  You cannot achieve the next level unless the one you are on is complete.  For those of you who are not victims of abuse or never have been, you have a pretty complete pyramid.  Imagine if your state was destroyed by a devastating natural disaster, and it wasn't safe for you to get out.  You would be trapped worrying about food, water, shelter, and warmth and you would not be pulling out your prize winning painting skills and creating a masterpiece.  Until you felt safe, you wouldn't even feel a sense of belonging and love.  Without that, you wouldn't care about self-esteem. 

In her article, Hehn says, “Everyone needs to educate themselves about domestic violence. “

Not just the people who deal with it.  Everyone. 

If you see something, call 911.  If you hear something, call 911. 

Domestic violence is a public health crisis.

I always say in my Damsel in Defense classes that if we do nothing, the only thing that will change is the statistics of violence against women will continue to rise. 

Judge Amy Holmes has been fighting against domestic violence for 27 years, first as a prosecutor, and now as a judge.  She wrote, “it’s hard not to give up in despair.  As a society, it’s tempting to throw up our hands and walk away saying, ‘there’s nothing we can do.’ That would be a mistake.  There’s a lot we can do.”

Because of her hard work and dedication to survivors in my own back yard, she receives this week’s Wonder Woman Wednesday award.  She is one woman I would love to have lunch with.

Thank you Judge Amy Holmes Hehn for all of your hard work.  The ripple of domestic violence awareness will not stop with you.  It will ring out and make a difference.  At Damsel in Defense, we take violence against women very seriously, and when we lose a woman to a violent partner, it hurts all of us.  

If you or someone you know is #fightingback and making a difference, and you believe she should be nominated for Wonder Woman Wednesday, please email me at Sunshine@YourDamselDiva.com.